The Life and Times of a Former Hoss: The Gift and the Curse

Shocking, another 1L blog. I bet if we didn't collectively spend so much time blogging, 1L may be less stressful. Find my thoughts on life, law, and... something else cliche that starts with an L.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Facebook... Oh how I hate to love thee

A while ago I ranted about how people were abusing their updated status changes here. I decided to respond via their poison, of course. This is my current "status" on Facebook: Chris is getting sick of status updates detailing the minutiae of everyday life. Yes, I recognized the delicious irony in all of that.

Also, if you're going to send me a mass mailing to try to get me to earn you $50 dollars via an online poker referral, it would help if you didn't look like a total douche.

Now, I'm just a legal rookie at the moment but I'm assuming that if you post your picture in the public domain it's cool if I reuse it. If it's not, I'll let the experts speak up. Until then, please enjoy, point, laugh and if you really want you can add him as your friend!

Today is also my last day at work and it will feel oh so very good to hand in my keys to our office manager. Even though now I will lose access to all the SuperSecret rooms in the Nanocenter, it is a tradeoff I am willing to make.

And on one final note, friends don't let friends watch M. Night Shyamalan movies. I did find his self-casting as the savior of humynkind to be particularly humble, though.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

More office tricks

This is a pretty standard conversation from my office that happened today.

DB: I need you to find me a directory of political communication theorists by academic rank.
Me: What did you just say?
DB: You never listen to me.
Me: I can repeat what you said verbatim. I just have NO idea what you want me to do.
DB: Just do it.

I guess I’m getting ready for firm life as an associate bitch, because this is pretty much what I do and deal with every day.

Monday, July 24, 2006

A poll for the "Gift and Curse Nation?"

My friend PK, the same one who was complaining about my lack of sexual exploits on the blog, recently had this story to share. He swears up and down that it's a great story, and that I (and BV) wouldn't know a great and hilarious story if it bit us in the ass. Let me summarize: On Thursday night he went out to a bar and kissed a 35-year old divorcee.....

[crickets chirping....]

That's it.... that's the end of the story. Nothing more. Here was my translation of the events: I went out drinking on Thursday and kissed this older woman with no self-esteem who would have tripped over herself to make herself available to any man 12 years her junior that feigned even the slightest amount of interest.

Upon sharing this with PK, his only reaction was: "But she was hot." (Although BV later informed me that PK admitted he would never sleep with this woman because she was "too old." So I think that really says something.)

I'm going to open this up to public opinion. Do you think this was hilarious, or just a mundane night out at the bars? Let us all know.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

A case of confused identities

I've seen this car outside of work before and it always has me perplexed. On one side, it has a sticker that says "Thank God I'm Armenian!" At first, when I walked up to the car on that side my first thought was, "Why?" Because the Turks tried to kill all of you off in an attempted genocide? That's about the only thing I know about Armenians... and while surviving is something to be proud of, being on the receiving end of an attempted genocide is not. So, then I thought, maybe this is just one of those people that hates America and is glad that, while they live here, they aren't from here. Fair enough.... but as I walk around to the back of the car, it has a bumper sticker that says "Proud to be an American!" Either they are seriously confused about their national identity, or they have dyslexia and some serious spelling issues.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Journalistic Integrity and Me

After the last story, some people have decided to attack my integrity as a blog-writer (namely Rochelle in the comments, but another friend also IMed me to ask about the “truthiness” of the story). It’s not like I write for the New York Times. I just can’t go about fabricating stories and interviews for a few years and expect to get away with it…. Oh wait, that did happen… well, regardless the story about the parking yesterday is about 95% accurate. In the interest of being honest, I will reveal one detail that I left out that makes the story less entertaining.

The spot the guy was parked in is actually a reserved spot. Normally there is a sign there that says, Reserved Parking: Towing Enforced and then has the guy’s spot number (which is something like 58) on the sign. But, that sign has been knocked down and laying in the grassy median for the last two-three weeks. Luckily I remembered that spot as reserved because I almost parked there one day… but this guy in the Toyota was not so fortunate. So, to clarify it’s not like they created it as a reserve spot, but they did “re-erect” the sign while a car was parked there, ticketed it, and then towed it away in a matter of 15 minutes. True story.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Columbia is a dream-world

I don't want you to get the wrong impression by the title of this post. By dream-world I mean, sometimes I see things happening and I'm not sure if it can be real, and not in a good way either. Let me briefly summarize a few parts of my day.

One of my jobs today was to put together a working budget for a documentary on nanotechnology. I have very little experience assembling budgets and less experience with movies, outside of a film class I took once in college and an amateur film that me and a few bud.... I mean, nevermind. Think of a monkey throwing darts at a newspaper to pick stocks, and that is basically what I did today.

That doesn't even compare though to how USC Parking operates. Here is a play by play of some events that took place outside of my window today.

1. Professor pulls up and cannot find parking in lot.
2. Calls USC parking.
3. 5 minutes later, USC Parking arrives with their employee in a truck and an accompanying tow truck.
4. Pull out new sign that reads "Reserved Spot : Towing Enforced."
5. Dig hole in ground in front of a random car; plant new sign.
6. Write ticket for violating the "parking in a reserved spot rule."
7. Decide that is worth towing the car for....
8. Remove car from said spot with aforementioned tow truck.
9. Wave professor into newly open spot.

Keep that in mind next time you park in the H Lot at the intersection of Greene and Senate ;).

Sunday, July 16, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

I went to go see this movie this weekend with SD and, like many other reviews of the movie, found it pretty enjoyable, especially considering it's a glorified PowerPoint presentation turned into a movie. At the end of the movie though, intercut with the credits, are all these suggestions that should help you reduce your personal pollution output. As I looked around the theater, I noticed that no one was leaving, like they were all intent on memorizing these recommendations. I really wasn't interested in that... to be honest, I just came to be entertained. So, as SD and I got up to leave (feeling almost guilty) mind you, everyone else got up with us. It's like when a professor is drowning on and on at the end of class and no one wants to be the first to leave, but once that seal is popped you can't stop the flood.


On another note, I'm really happy at the extensive study abroad programs that our school offers. This is not because I ever got to participate, but doesn't it seem like all the people you don't like and don't want to see are the ones who are always gone? For such douches they are very considerate of my needs.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Check out my package....

That's what I did this morning, proved frat-boy wrong. Fortunately for me, the one competent guy appeared to be working this morning as he found my package pretty quicly. Also, I went by the office as soon as they opened so I doubt UPS delivered it in the AM. Oh, and when I had to sign my name on the delivery sheet, the information was entered in on the 11th which was, you guessed it, yesterfuckingday.

On another angsty note, I think the reason that South Carolina is stuck in the second-tier of undergraduate schools is because they try to be. I'm convinced that they are attempting to keep me from law school and instead relegate me to some shit-hole job at the shit-hole job at the COMA. When I was applying to Duke I ended up getting waitlisted and, cocky or not, was kind of shocked since my numbers were above average from them. The only complication in my application process was that they said they did not receive my Dean's Certification form from USC. This happened in like December or January. So, I went to the Office of Student Judicial Affairs and gave them the forms and had them send another one.... fast forward to a week after graduation. I'm at the Outer Banks with some friends and I get a call from the Admissions Director at Duke saying that I'm at the top of their waitlist, they'd like to let me in, but they are still waiting on my Dean's Certification from USC. Well fuck me... I will accept some responsibility for that one since I should have followed up on it, but still.... they were 0 for 2 in that department.

So, here we are this summer and I have to send in a number of forms to NYU to ensure my enrollment.... including one that requires who but the Office of Stupid JackAsses to fill out. This time, I carefully and polite explain to them that this is urgent and they have failed me in the past. They assure me it won't happen, they understand its importance blah blah blah. Three weeks go by. I start thinking to myself, "Chris you should try being professionally good-looking... wait, concentrate now! Isn't there something you should follow up on? Ohhhhh, that's right." I call up NYU and of course, the lady that answers the phone tells me that they don't have it but that they are kind of backlogged and that it is possible that it was sent but they just haven't entered it into the system yet. Plausible, certainly. But knowing USC, I was not going to take my chances. I say, "That could be it, but my undergrad school screwed me in the application process by not sending some forms along so it's probably equally likely that they forgot this one." She tells me she will go look in their "to be filed" files. Is it there? If you guessed that it was.... well you are probably a moron and I won't be seeing you at law school. Being seriously pissed, I printed off another copy of this form, brought it over to the Office and explained the situation one more time. At first I felt bad that I was being such a dick to this girl (because she definitely was not the one that I left it with) but she made a crucial mistake about halfway through our conversation when she said, "Oh, I remember seeing this file and I thought we sent it out ...." So, I assume she had a least some (ir)responsibility in its MIA status.

See, sometimes being me really is a gift and a curse. Actually, I don't where the gift part is so maybe a title change is in order.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

College Park Communities: My own version of hell

I used to like living in my apartment complex, well, for the most part. But halfway through the year, the ownership switched from Sterling University Housing (I think that was their name anyway) to College Park Communities. The management at CPC, for lack of better language, sucks ass. And not clean, tight ass either.... dirty, hairy, grundle-infested ass. Here are a few examples.

They cannot stay on top of a few of the amenities that attracted people here. The security gates were always broken, so anyone could drive in. They stopped enforcing the parking decals, which means that residents often fought for spots. The pool was closed down inexplicably. And their mail system, was absolutely horrendous. More on that later. Yet, despite their inability to provided contracted services, they decide to send out a Hitler-esque move out letter, with ridiculous fines (such as a $100/hr late move-out fine). Quite audacious of them, if I do say so myself.

One of the features of the apartment is that our room is given a $120 electricity/utility bill credit per month, and whatever excess is incurred is charged to the four roommates. Well, under Sterling we would get a notice once a month to tell us what the excess was. Only ONCE did we go over, and it was for some ridiculous amount where each of us ended up owing $.23, so overuse of electricity was not a big concern in #1014. So, when I had gone the last 6 months without getting a notice of high utility bills I figured we were fine. Ohhhhhh noooooo. They decided to only bill us in increments of 3 months, so today I come home to a $50 bill for months February - May in excess charges. Absolute horseshit. Had they maintained a regular pace in notification, then I could have made adjustments accordingly. Instead, we were probably being more frivolous with the A/C thinking we had not been using up all of our credit. Also, I have a bad feeling that, because two of my roommates sublet for the summer, they weren't included in this charge and it was probably only divided up amongst two of us. Even for three months I have a hard time believing that we ran up $200 in superfluous utilities.

And finally, the epitome of idiotic bureaucracy that is the mail room. To put it concisely, they are awful. Wretched, putrid... they stink like my bathroom after a night of bad Mexican food, cheap beer, and the runs. It is enough to make you want to vomit. A package from my home (which is an hour and a half drive away) took almost three weeks to get to me. My roommate got a Valentine's Day package sent from home IN THE SUMMER. They lose packages like they get paid for it, which considering how the management operates for this company, they probably do. Maybe it's a bonus structured into their contract..... Anyway, I come home today and there is a notice on my door that UPS had tried to deliver a package to the apartment, but since no one was home they left it at the office. No big deal there, pretty standard operating procedure. So I go up to the office, present them with my neat little slip, tell them my apartment number and he goes back to the store room to look around for a bit. He comes back out after a few mintes and hands me back the slip.

"Yeah, this slip usually means that they're going to deliver it tomorrow."

[points at the slip] "Then why does it say that they tried to deliver it to my apartment, but because I was not home they left it at the office."

"I don't know man, it's kind of weird sometimes."

"That makes no sense. There is an option on the slip [points again] right here that says, 'will attempt to deliver again tomorrow.' If that was the case, why wouldn't they mark that?"

"Yeah, I don't really know... just come back tomorrow. All I know is that usually when they leave that, it really means they drop it off the next day."

(thinking to myself that maybe this frat boy's Croakies are on a little too tight preventing proper blood circulation from reaching his brain) "If that's the case, then why did you even go back there to look? If you knew that this slip meant it would show up tomorrow, why didn't you just tell me straight up to come back tomorrow and that's what the slip meant. Obviously you thought it had been delivered.... plus, I get packages from this company and UPS all the time (I'm a repeat orderer, probably 6-8 packages over the year) and never once when it has said 'delivered to office' did that mean 'haha, just kidding, try again later.'"

"Just try it tomorrow."

Thanks, douchebag. Speaking of, I come home and just out of curiosity decide to check the UPS tracking number giving the guy SOME benefit of the doubt. After all, he did have a nice cotton polo shirt, with a name tag that even had "Matt" scribbled in Sharpie marker on it. If that doesn't say authority, I don't know what does... Anyway, I check and sure enough UPS says that the package has been delivered. It even says that someone named Bright signed for it... so I'm calling bullshit Mr. Matt. Either that or UPS is just lying to me because I know that no one is bright in that office.

The end of football, I mean soccer, but their football...

With the end of the World Cup come a few thoughts for me on the whole event. Well, not the whole event, but some stuff that happened at the end.


Everyone is all up in arms about this headbutt that Zidane through in the World Cup… I thought it was a pretty flagrant foul, but other than that, who gives a shit, honestly? For one, who throws a headbutt to someone’s chest? Sure the guy fell to the ground, but we all know soccer players are a bunch of floppers (more on that later). If you’re gonna do something that will get you ejected, especially in a Cup f’in Final, at least make it worth it. Headbutt him in the face, break his nose, or something…. That’s the only reason I think that the move was idiotic, poor return on his investment. Also, there is all this speculation on what caused Zidane to headbutt the guy…. Some papers have gone as far as to hire lip readers to determine what he said to him prior ot the headbutt, most of them agreeing it was something along the lines of him being a “son of a terrorist whore.” There is shit-talking in all of sports (raindrops! Count it!) and I’m sure Zidane (as a French, frog-loving surrender monkey) has heard it often. I like the latest theory that I heard on SportsCenter this morning: that the Italian guy was caught twisting his nipple earlier in the match. That’s the kind of homoeroticism that needs to be brought back to international sports!


Also, either soccer players are the biggest pansies in the world or they are, in the words of Young Jeezy, actors like Patrick Swayze. These guys dive more than Jacques Cousteau, I don’t know how they do it without scuba tanks. They need to revamp the rules, because when that guy took a dive during the French/Italy match and got a penalty kick, who took it but Zidane, a well-known BEAST at penalty kicks (let’s be honest, he’s no Beckham though). That never happens in other sports. If you foul Shaq, I don’t get to call Dwayne Wade off the bench to shoot for him. Otherwise, you might as well have professional divers. I think that’s my ticket to the World Cup, perfect the art of the dive… then I get our team a penalty kick, and BRING ON THE RINGER! Look for me in South Africa in 2010.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Bears! Eek!

The_bears_are_out_of_control. First our beer and pizza, what's next? Our women and our children? Someone needs to put a stop to this. Colbert is just too ahead of his time.

Friday, July 07, 2006

SuperMario

Back in the day I used to rule Super Mario Smash Brothers with an iron fist, as Mario no less. Now, my thumb gets blistered playing EA Sports Fight Night 2. In memory of those fun video gaming days, and because every child of the 80s should have a fondness in their heart for Mario, I bring you these videos.

Real Live Mario
Mario: The Soundtrack

Enjoy.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

In the words of LawMommy, Google me

Another fellow blawger (although I probably shouldn't call myself a blawger, since I haven't even started law school yet and hardly ever write about anything substantial), LawMommy , recently had a post about someone stumbling across her site with an interesting search. I thought I would share my similiar experience.

My site ranks #10 on Google if you search for "Jeff Fisher EA Sports Commercial." Random, and cool.

Also, someone from Greenville, South Carolina searched for "Chris Dickson NYU blog." Don't think I don't know who you are.... except that I don't, although it would be a lot scarier if I did, wouldn't it?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Heard Around the Office

Yeah, I'm back from my rafting trip and I'll have an entry dedicated to that as soon as I assemble a story of all the random occurences which happen when you get my family together in the mountains with boatloads of alcohol. Also, my sister has some funny pictures and video that might make for good entertainment, though not suitable for children.

Today I'm walking down the halls of the office when I overhear this woman having a conversation with a friend. The part I heard when something like this:

Yeah, I was doing that alcohol and drug thing for a while but I'm off that now. I've moved on to the part of my life that I call "therapy mode."

Fantastic. I hope she's the one that's controlling the scanning electron microscope we have. Nothing like having an AA-stoner in charge of our multi-million dollar equipment. Actually let's be honest, I didn't pay for it so....