My very own threatdown
The first threat on our list, and ranked number five on my list today are Nalgene bottles. Touted for their supposed indestructability, mine broke today. That's right. I managed to break a Nalgene bottle! I'm torn between triumph and disappointment. Actually I can't even take credit for it. I put it on the dishwasher after someone suggested it wasn't "healthy" to drink from it for weeks on end without washing it. Well, the dishwasher took on Nalgene and won in a shutout (much like the Czechs whooping our ass, but that's another story for another time). Although I think I have solved the mystery. There is a heating coil in there that is used for the heating dry option, and I think it was touching part of that. Makes more sense than the alternative, which would be that the water got REALLY HOT.
The fourth threat: People who overabuse facebook's status update. I don't know what's going on here, but some people feel the need to update their facebook status every single minute. It drives me nuts, and quite frankly, it scares me. No, I did not need to know that "Bob is taking a shit right now, but will be back after he rubs one out." No thanks indeed.
Coming in at number three: Columbia weather. I woke up this morning and it was already 82 degrees out with 312% humidity. I think this is part of a grander conspiracy to get people to leave the S
outh. Also, I think that's why Southern culture is a lot slower-paced than other places.... you just can't afford to move fast. Which is why we probably haven't gotten past the whole racism bit.
The number two threat: Bears. Always a perennial threat, I was shocked to see that these bears never rest. I would have thought that bears rested in the summer from frightening people, given how hot it is and their furry coats. But that's what the bears want me to think, and I was wrong.
And the number one threat, is the incoming freshman class. Freshman orientation has kicked off this week at the University of South Carolina, and I don't know if this is God (or perhaps my parole officer) playing a trick on me. Fortunately, most incoming freshman are at least 18 so I'm probably not interested. Just kidding. But seriously... why are all these people so insistent on walking around in large masses ever so slowly? Don't they know that I have places to go, people to see, jobs to complete? They should know that I have owned this campus for the last four years and get out of my way (or at least form a human walkway for my convenience).
The fourth threat: People who overabuse facebook's status update. I don't know what's going on here, but some people feel the need to update their facebook status every single minute. It drives me nuts, and quite frankly, it scares me. No, I did not need to know that "Bob is taking a shit right now, but will be back after he rubs one out." No thanks indeed.
Coming in at number three: Columbia weather. I woke up this morning and it was already 82 degrees out with 312% humidity. I think this is part of a grander conspiracy to get people to leave the S
outh. Also, I think that's why Southern culture is a lot slower-paced than other places.... you just can't afford to move fast. Which is why we probably haven't gotten past the whole racism bit.The number two threat: Bears. Always a perennial threat, I was shocked to see that these bears never rest. I would have thought that bears rested in the summer from frightening people, given how hot it is and their furry coats. But that's what the bears want me to think, and I was wrong.
And the number one threat, is the incoming freshman class. Freshman orientation has kicked off this week at the University of South Carolina, and I don't know if this is God (or perhaps my parole officer) playing a trick on me. Fortunately, most incoming freshman are at least 18 so I'm probably not interested. Just kidding. But seriously... why are all these people so insistent on walking around in large masses ever so slowly? Don't they know that I have places to go, people to see, jobs to complete? They should know that I have owned this campus for the last four years and get out of my way (or at least form a human walkway for my convenience).
posted by Hoss | 9:56 AM
2 Comments:
I'd have to agree with most of this threat down, but I must say, I think the germs that reside in the nalgene bottle when you don't wash it for months on end are more dangerous than the diswasher's potenial wrath...ever heard of handwashing? I thought you were the one that suggested that method to all. ;) Also, I agree that the weather in Columbia equates to sheer hell, but I must say...I am more fearful of freshman and you than anything else. Let's face it, after a girl gets a driver's license, your interest starts to fade.
Well you know, after she can drive herself around, what does she need me for? I need TOTAL dependency. Preferably infants, so I can feed them from a bottle too. And watching them suck on that nipple.... delicious.
Wow, is that the line I just crossed? It looks like a dot from here.
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