Par for the course

Me: if i win 2 grand I will be calling your ass
PK: that's cool, it's worth waking me up
Me: what if I bust out and rub one out? can I tell you about that
PK: that you'll have to save for later
Me: fine
PK: cuz it will help me rub one out
Me: you know, our relationship has really lost that passion

I'm not gay, but my partner here loves the cock, LOVES IT. The ladies love us, I promise.

Reasons why you shouldn't go into Crim Law

We were in lawyering class today discussing a hypothetical research plan and one TA kept referring to the accused as "the criminal." After a while of that, the other TA corrected her. Her response, "Yeah, that probably would be bad if I keep referring to him as the criminal. AND, I'm going to DC this weekend for a hearing regarding a guy on death row. I think he's innocent but it would probably be pretty bad if we kept calling him the criminal."

(Insert general agreeing sentiment from the class).

"Plus, if I kept calling him a criminal he would probably get pissed off enough to kill me."

(Class booes and laughs, a few comments such as: "This guy is screwed.").

"No, no, you have to understand, I'm reading some of these things this guy did, I mean, was acccused of doing on the transcript and it's scary."

(Jaws slowly start to drop).

"But, I mean, I think he's innocent.... well, at the very least, he wasn't the one that pulled the trigger.... but anyway, if you ever have a chance to get involved in a death-penalty clinic here I highly recommend it, it's a lot of fun."

Me: "Yeah, it sounds like that guy is having a blast."

I love my section

This is an email that was just sent out by some people in Section III:


If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." - David Daye
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy." - Fred Allen
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." - Joe E. Lewis
So, in light of what these great thinkers have proposed, we propose the following:
When: Thursday Night 7-9pm, before the SBA event in Vandy
Where: Slane
What: Happy Hour with all of Section Three! And for that, $3 will get you a RedBull/Vodka, Rheingold, Red Stripe, or Sol!

I'm like a rat in the maze.... that pissed his pants

One thing I have noticed about all of these New York clubs is that you have to follow a series of interconnected tunnels designed by the Viet Cong to find a bathroom. Seriously... we were out at Sin Sin the other night and to find the bathroom you had to sneak around the upstairs bar, know where the black curtain was to reveal a secret hallway (and not go too far to the right, because that just leads you downstairs), then you walk down that hallway and come to a fork... don't go to the left because then you'll just end up in another club that shares the same bathroom. Make a right.... walk down to that hallway and try to figure out which way to go to get to the men's bathroom. Now, imagine you are totally shit-faced drunk. And it's dark. And they use disorienting, low-output, red lightbulbs everywhere. Did I mention you were drunk? Okay, so you find it the first time. Can you find your way back to where you started? Even if you are lucky enough to not end up in a) the other club or b) the wrong level of the bar you were in, can you remember how you got there when you have to go piss again? Because you were stupid and broke the seal early in the night you have to repeat this procedure 2, 3, maybe 4 times. All I know is this is a surefire recipe for an R. Kelly "I want to piss on you" (because I can't find the goddamn bathroom) remix.

What kind of fruit roll-up will he roll up with next?

Life with my roommate is always a surprise and I often wake up wondering what tragedy will have overcome our apartment during the night while I'm sleeping. Anyone that has lived with me knows that I am not the neatest person in the world, but I think I'm changing my ways. For all the naysayers (here is looking at you Noyes, though you were never as bad as "you know who") I wash my egg pan every morning after I'm done now. Having 2 square feet for your entire kitchen leaves little room for error. But the combination of my roommate not being the cleanliness and a total klutz is enough to make me even wish he was as clean as me. Here's a recap of all the things that I can't think of that have happened in the not quite month since I've moved here: 1) a full trash can knocked over, not out of sheer accident but because he thought it would be a good idea to pull it toward him with his toe even though both hands were free 2) an entire bag of coffee beans spilled on the floor 3) a bottle of wine dropped on the floor and shattered 4) an "in progress" espresso machine knocked off a table (that includes liquids and ground coffee roast on the floor 5) a device with a rubber handle placed on an open flame which consequently caught fire 6) a television knocked off it's stand. Twice. In one day. And last but not least 7) a bathroom that appears as if it has been flooded after every shower.

So, who wants to come visit?

Ambushed and/or bushwhacked

Personally, I don't like to shower at the gym. It involves too much preparation, bringing a change of clothes, toiletries and all that jazz.... but then again, the gym is just a 5-10 minute walk from my apartment so it's not a big deal for me to shower there. But, if you're going to shower at the gym, I think there is at least a little locker room etiquette to be observed. I don't think this is going to be a very comprehensive list, but I do have one rule I think we can all agree should be observed. If you're going to be naked in the locker room, you should not be naked in a public walkway right around a blind corner. AND, if you are going to be naked around a blind corner, please do not be bending over trying to give me your best "goat" impression. That is not something that I, or anyone else, needs at 8:30 in the morning.

Can't stop the hustle (and bustle)

Despite my abundance of time in the city (2 weeks), I have been unable to figure out if the so-called "Northerners" are different creatures of habit than my southern brethren or if some of their behavior is just the result of shoving 1.5 million residents onto the tiny island of Manhattan... who knows. But regardless, here are a few observations and a few other things that annoy me.

Stereotypes that Southerners have about black people, Northerners have about Southerners. I was hanging out with my friend L who goes to Columbia for grad school and she made some crack about me missing all of my "fried chicken and watermelon." My first reaction was, "where the hell did that come from? I didn't know that all of us in the South were known to eat that...." But then I thought about it, and they both are delicious. How did she know?!?!?! But like Dave Chappelle says, if you don't like chicken, there is something wrong with you.... motherfucker.

People walking on the sidewalks are entirely oblivious to the world around them. When I think of the Big Apple, I think of masses of people that are very busy, with a frenetic energy about them. This is only partially true. There are certainly masses of people, as I learned when I tried to go to Trader Joe's on a weekend. And there are those that are in a hurry, which usually seems to be me. But there are still those that wander aimlessly about, usually four-wide to a group, that get in my way. I just want to push them under a taxi.

They have weird rules for the gym here. For one, you aren't allowed to wear headphones in the weight room. Why? Because some idiot hurt himself or presumably the person he was supposed to be spotting and blamed it on the headphones. *Insert GOB voice* Come on! We're supposedly a pretty good school, but apparently our students can't handle doing more than one task at a time. Chewing gum? Check. Start walki.... whooaaaa shit. Also, with space being such a valuable resource people should never be allowed to do flyes on anything but a flye machine or with dumbells. Doing it in the center of the "multi-station weight thingy" (yes, that is a technical term) takes up too much space. Especially say, if you are hypothetically some 65 year old grandma who definitely does not have GILF status doing 10 pounds a side. Why don't we save us all the trouble and just go circle jerk two guys in the locker room, that's about the same amount of resistance and then I don't have to "weight" for a machine.

Overheard during my torts class (well, actually on IM)

CLS(3L): Have you done the Hairy hand case?
CLS(3L): You should ask about causation, if the kid started masturbating around the time the surgery occurred
Me: we are talking about that right now
CLS(3L): and then insist that its true and say that's why you don't ever do it
Me: and that thought crossed my mind actually, when I was reading it last night
CLS(3L): fucking do it, you'll be legend
CLS(3L): you'll be a god among men at NYU