Awkward Silences
As far as I am concerned there are two types of very awkward silences, so awkward in fact, they may surpass in awkwardity* a silence following "I love you." Plus, you can always make that one entertaining. Just follow it up with, "That's okay. I gave you the clap anyway."
The first one is the notorious silence that follows me onto an elevator. You get on the elevator and it is dead quiet. You could cut the tension with a knife, or maybe even bludgeon it to death. Everyone stands around trying to avoid making eye contact with each other, or just staring up at the numbers on door overhang, hoping that their glaring stare will make their floor come faster. Trust me, it doesn't work. Of course, your other option is to try to make meaningless conversation but that's risky too. You really only have one shot at a quick and witty opener, and if you bomb, you just magnified the awkwardity* factor. I thought this was a fear that everyone shared, but apparently it's just me (or at the very least, a small portion of the population). I remember at NFL Nationals in 2002, I was in elimination rounds of impromptu and I got as my topic "Elevators." I could not wait to rant and rave about this very subject, but I didn't advance so I can only assume this was a foreign concept to the judges. Fuck them, they better not be caught alone in an elevator with me.
The second silence I hate is when you're in the bathroom and multiple people are taking a dump at once, though hopefully not in the same toilet. It's like everyone is waiting for some covering fire before they drop the bomb. Now, I'm not ashamed of making any guttural noises while dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool. My problem is I find them too funny, so if the bathroom is dead silent and I rip one or drop a watermelon in the bowl, I will probably fall off the toilet literally laughing my ass off. Trust me, it's happened. And while I like making a fool out of myself just as much as the next guy, it's just not productive. I'd rather make it a Navy SEAL operation. Bring some firecrackers and a smoke bomb in with me, and do my business under the cover of explosives.
On a similar note of bathroom antics... Is it wrong that whenever I see someone who is obviously a germaphobe or OCD about cleaning their hands in the bathroom that I make sure not to wash mine, and then make sure he notices that and that I am making no qualms about getting my germ infested hands all over the door handle? It's the little things that amuse me. One such character at work has turned into a Pavlov's dog of sorts. He has actually gone the extra step to get a paper towel as a protective insulator between his hand and the doorknob. Chris 1, stranger 0. I think if he starts wearing latex gloves, I'm gonna have to call it game, set, and match. By the way, for those of you who are concerned about such bathroom hygiene, I will let you in on my secret: I don't piss all over my hands.
*Word accredited to SD.
The first one is the notorious silence that follows me onto an elevator. You get on the elevator and it is dead quiet. You could cut the tension with a knife, or maybe even bludgeon it to death. Everyone stands around trying to avoid making eye contact with each other, or just staring up at the numbers on door overhang, hoping that their glaring stare will make their floor come faster. Trust me, it doesn't work. Of course, your other option is to try to make meaningless conversation but that's risky too. You really only have one shot at a quick and witty opener, and if you bomb, you just magnified the awkwardity* factor. I thought this was a fear that everyone shared, but apparently it's just me (or at the very least, a small portion of the population). I remember at NFL Nationals in 2002, I was in elimination rounds of impromptu and I got as my topic "Elevators." I could not wait to rant and rave about this very subject, but I didn't advance so I can only assume this was a foreign concept to the judges. Fuck them, they better not be caught alone in an elevator with me.
The second silence I hate is when you're in the bathroom and multiple people are taking a dump at once, though hopefully not in the same toilet. It's like everyone is waiting for some covering fire before they drop the bomb. Now, I'm not ashamed of making any guttural noises while dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool. My problem is I find them too funny, so if the bathroom is dead silent and I rip one or drop a watermelon in the bowl, I will probably fall off the toilet literally laughing my ass off. Trust me, it's happened. And while I like making a fool out of myself just as much as the next guy, it's just not productive. I'd rather make it a Navy SEAL operation. Bring some firecrackers and a smoke bomb in with me, and do my business under the cover of explosives.
On a similar note of bathroom antics... Is it wrong that whenever I see someone who is obviously a germaphobe or OCD about cleaning their hands in the bathroom that I make sure not to wash mine, and then make sure he notices that and that I am making no qualms about getting my germ infested hands all over the door handle? It's the little things that amuse me. One such character at work has turned into a Pavlov's dog of sorts. He has actually gone the extra step to get a paper towel as a protective insulator between his hand and the doorknob. Chris 1, stranger 0. I think if he starts wearing latex gloves, I'm gonna have to call it game, set, and match. By the way, for those of you who are concerned about such bathroom hygiene, I will let you in on my secret: I don't piss all over my hands.
*Word accredited to SD.
posted by Hoss | 10:08 AM
3 Comments:
Several thoughts:
1. I told you awkwardity was a word; next you'll be using 'keyly.'
2. Maybe you could make this an operation like: Operation Hot Mother
3. You don't ever wash your hands, so don't pretend like SOMETIMES you do. ;)
....you forget the ackward silence that comes after a really offensive comment... :) a little total dick dumbing....a little "Yeah i said it" that's ackward too if you know what i mean
-Z
Zach, that's not awkward. Fuck them if they can't take a joke. Yeah, I said it.
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