The Life and Times of a Former Hoss: The Gift and the Curse

Dear Hospital for Joint Diseases

2007-01-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

Normally I try to respect people's privacy on this blog and try to avoid using any proper names. However, in this case I will make an exception. The following is a letter I am writing to the hospital concerning their business practices which I think deserve to be exposed.

Hospital for Joint Diseases
Orthopaedic Institute
PO Box 33107
Hartford, CT 06150-3107

To whom it may concern:

I have been fortunate to only have to deal with your institute on only one occasion, yet this occurrence has left me appalled with the manner in which you, or perhaps your employees, see fit with which to conduct business. Perhaps I am a bit naïve in assuming that a corporation has a conscience in that it desires to maintain a positive corporate image amongst the consuming public that it relies on for business.

In October 2006 I was referred to your institute by the NYU Student Health Care Center. After receiving my bill for services, I noticed a few irregularities. Most notably, my insurance information which I had provided at the time of service was absent from the bill. Secondly, I was double-billed for the splints that I received. The bottom of the bill reads “For questions regarding your bill please contact customer service at (800) 237-6977. Or write to: Hospital for Joint Diseases, Orthopaedic Institute, PO Box 33107, Hartford, CT 06150-3107.” Since the drafters of this paperwork decided to use the conjunctive phrase “or,” I assume it was acceptable to either call about my concerns “or” submit them in writing to the address provided. Apparently, this was a novel interpretation. I submitted a letter detailing my questions and providing (for a second time, no less) my insurance information to the address provided. I have attached a copy of this letter for your convenience, since it was apparently lost or never read in the first instance.

Roughly one month later, I received a call from your bill collection department demanding payment for services rendered. I explained to the woman on the phone what I have just detailed above. At that time, I was informed that the PO Box listed was nothing but a “drop box” from which checks are collected by the woman in your bill collection department. This seems to be not only a confusing, but borderline idiotic corporate practice. Why would you entitle the address location as “customer service” if no customer can reasonably expect to receive service for correspondence sent to that location. Perhaps a name change is in order. While the woman could not answer my questions regarding the charges, she did offer to take my insurance information from me and forward the bill to my insurance company to avoid the inevitable delay associated with traditional US post. I inquired whether or not she would be sending me an adjusted bill and at this point she informed me that I could expect to receive the bill from my insurance policy after they had made the appropriate payments under my plan.

On January 27th, 2007 I received a call at 8:00 AM from yet another woman in your billing department who demanded payment on the bill (the choice of the word “demanded” was a conscious one, as the woman immediately started the phone conversation very aggressively and in a confrontational manner). I will not comment on the practice of calling customers’ homes at 8:00 AM on a Saturday. After the woman lectured me about the importance of not ignoring bills and fulfilling my financial obligations, I then proceeded to inform her of my prior dealings with your company. After discussing the problems with insurance, she then told me that your company could do nothing to accommodate me because they only have a 90-day window during which to submit that information. While I understand the need to have a temporal limit on such things, I received treatment on October 7th and submitted my information to you on October 26th via mail. Admittedly my math skills have faded through the years, but I am pretty sure that nineteen is still less than ninety. I was also told that she could not help me because she is in the billing department and does not handle customer service. Certainly specialization has its role in the workplace, but not the extent that a customer with genuine concerns gets deferred and referred from one department to the next, each disclaiming their culpability for the aforementioned event.

Finally, if this were the end of the situation I would probably just grit my teeth, write my check, and regret going to your hospital for service while vowing never to make the same mistake again. However, I received a mysterious phone call around 7:00 PM tonight and upon answering it, the caller hung up. Initially this was shrugged off as merely a wrong number. Yet when I received another call followed by a hang-up at 9:00 PM my curiosity got the best of me. Lo and behold, upon checking my logged caller ID numbers I discovered that both of the calls came from the same reputable woman who had called me on Saturday morning. This sort of childish behavior is to be expected from middle school girls, certainly not from a professional in the medical industry. I am utterly appalled by the manner in which I have been treated and I will be filing a report with the Better Business Bureau in regards to your business practices. Admittedly, I am not expecting a response from this letter since your customer service mailbox is apparently little more than a box from which you collect checks but I pray that you will reconsider some of these atrocious business practices.

Goodbye peeps!

2007-01-28T19:38:00.000-05:00

After ragging on BV for never posting on his blog, I find myself wanting to take mine down. I guess I'm getting older and, being faced with applying for jobs soon, I realized that I'm just way too google-able. Since all I really do is use this blog for sarcastic rants about things that bother me, it's probably not the best reflection of me as a person for prospective employers to see. So, this will be the last post on this blog and it will be taken down within the week. Luckily, most of you that read it are just my friends so it's not like you're gonna miss out on the stories. Peace.

Redemption, Thy Name is Civil Procedure

2007-01-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

After getting my torts grade I was a little disheartened, but CivPro was released today and it made my night. But I'm not here to talk about grades because, hey, who likes to do that anyway. I'm here to share a story of a pearl necklace:

Flash back to the first few months of law school. There was a social event being hosted at some bar in the city, and like all good 1Ls (or those of us that have just graduated college) we thought it would be a good idea to pre-game at someone's apartment. Well, scratch that. The apartment was the third-level pregaming. First, we crashed the SBA event for their free booze. Then, we went to a sushi place where, if you order more than 20 bucks or so, you get all you can drink white wine and sake. And THEN we went to my friend's apartment. Long introduction short, we were pretty sloshed.

We're all standing around shooting the shit when someone suggests shots. Oh my, this sounds like a wonderful idea, BRING OUT THE VODKA. As the shots are being poured, someone decides a toast needs to be made. Everyone keeps chanting for a toast (a la the Arrested Development episode where everyone is begging for a speech but no one wants to step to the plate). Now, I only know one toast... well, I should clarify. I only know one toast well enough to deliver it while drunk and not mess it up, but at this point I didn't know a lot of these people well enough and was not sure they could handle my sense of humor (read: a 12 year old boy's sense of humor). But, someone needed to step to the plate so I stepped up and delivered.

"A toast to Honor," I declared.
"To honor!" yelled the group.
"Get honor, stay honor, and if you can't come in her, come honor!"

As you could expect, most of the guys erupted in laughter while the remaining girls stared at me in stunned silence (I still think they were fighting to hold back the laugher). But, one woman spoke her mind.

"Oh God, you aren't one of those guys that aims for the hair are you? Man, I absolutely hate that. It gets all sticky and even when you try to shampoo it out, the water makes it stick in there even worse. It is soooo annoying."

At this point, the silence of the room was deafening. All of us are looking around awkwardly and then decide to find refuge from the awkwardity at the bottom of our shot glasses. Now, these sort of comments are generally shocking but when it comes from someone of these, errrr, ummmm, well, let's just say she has a nice personality. Except that she doesn't..... Anyway, this particular girl has since acquired quite a few nicknames including White Stripes (this is not a reference to the Crest product) and Cruella Deville.

Fast forward to today: While sitting in class, one of my classmates (a girl who was present on that day) leans over to me and says, "I have to tell you something, and it's very immature, but I can't hold it in any longer and I know you'll appreciate it. Look around the room and see if you notice someone wearing a particularly appropriate accessory."

I scanned the room for about 2 minutes and then I found it: the pearl necklace.

Christmas came 4 days late this year....

2006-12-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

And on that day, the Gamecocks won our bowl game and Clemson lost theirs. What a marvelous day in our household and Gamecock nation. There is a certain feeling of pride the next day when you are out and you see all the alumni or fans wearing their Gamecock gear and chatting them up about the game. Plus, Clemson also losing to a bad SEC team made this all the more sweet.

Clemson lost before our game began, and my girlfriend, knowing how foul I become when USC loses its games, asked me if Clemson lost and we lost, if it would make it okay? It doesn't, but it certainly helps. So, when they lose and we win it is doubly sweet. Also, maybe our rivalry is starting to get some more national attention. The announcers of our bowl game got a hint of it. They were like, "This morning there were a lot of cheers erupting in the lobby of our hotel as if the USC game had just started and we couldn't figure out why it was so loud. Then we got down to the hotel bar and we saw that Clemson had just lost. Man, there is some kind of hatred between South Carolina and Clemson." Damn right. We also got a shoutout in the Charlotte Observer in the list of top 10 sporting events in the Carolinas (ranked even higher than the Duke/Chapel Hill basketball rivalry). Now that we've got Spurrier, I'm predicting a new winning streak for the Garnet and Black.

Home Is F'n Sweet

2006-12-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

I haven't been doing much of anything these past few days and it has been absolutely fantastic. Christmas came and went and since then, I have pretty much been sitting on my (increasingly) fatter ass and watching TV and playing Tiger Woods golf and poker. I just want to be able to do absolutely nothing for the next few days. The USC bowl game is coming up on the 29th and that is pretty much the higlight of the next few days.

B (@ UVA) has been telling me that he already has grade anticipation, which isn't really too surprising. Everywhere you turn it seems like someone is mentioning grades. Even in Charlotte, I am not surrounded by anyone who goes to law school but my parents don't even help. These will be fairly typical conversations.

Me: "Yeah, we don't even find out about our grades til February.
Dad: "Really? February? After all that time you put in studying you don't find out til February?!?"
Me: "Yup."
Dad: "Wow, that really sucks."
Me: "Thanks for reminding me."

Me: "Interviews for our 2L summer job happen before the start of our second year."
Dad: "So, you won't even have any of your 2L grades yet right? So, pretty much everything rides on your 1L grades... wow."
Me: "Yeah, no pressure though, right?"

At the same time, I've been able to keep the grades off my mind. Exams are over, me thinking about them certainly isn't going to change anything, so why would I waste my time. That's why I was surprised when B said a friend of his had IMed him asking, "Have you heard anything about grades yet?" Are you serious? Hit up the alchohol a little harder and just forget about it buddy. It's winter break and law students everywhere should be enjoying their time off. Hope everyone's holidays are going well.

This old dog learned a new trick

2006-12-21T10:52:00.000-05:00

For the incoming 1Ls next year:

When you're tired and need a quick pick me up (and don't feel like doing an eight ball like some of your classmates) quickly down two cups of coffee (for the dumb ones entering the class, it may be smart to wait for the coffee to cool) and then take a 20-30 minute nap. You will wake up feel super refreshed and ready to take on the world.

Now it really is the FINAL countdown

2006-12-21T06:15:00.000-05:00

So, less than 8 hours away from my final final now and today has started off with a bang. Yup, it's 6:15 am and since I've already cooked and eaten breakfast that puts my wake-up time around 5:45 am. I had some awful dreams last night that ended with me waking up feeling kind of anxious and nervous. First, I had an odd dream where I went to my exam and sat down to take it and it was a multiple choice question. So, I knock that out in like 45 minutes but since we have four hours for the exam I really feel like I shouldn't leave so I wait for other people to start finishing. After going up to turn into that part of the exam, then we are given 6 long essay questions that we're allowed to do at home but for some reason I take it into my head that, even though this test was supposed to end at 1:30 technically we "had four hours" for the exam so I bring back the essay questions and decide I'll just take a nap for a bit instead. Of course, I end up sleeping through the 1:30 deadline and end up arguing with the school about how I didn't use my four hours because I was sleeping. I think finals just need to end.

Pop quiz hot-shot: Can I learn all of contracts law in 2 days?

2006-12-19T13:08:00.000-05:00

I guess we're going to have to find out. I felt like I didn't know shit about contracts (it was a class that I was kind of excited about at the beginning of the semester, but then became disinterested in) but now that I have been going through some commercial outlines and my notes/outline, I feel like a lot of it is coming back to me. If I can just keep my nose to the grindstone (or whatever it is you're supposed to keep your nose to), I feel like I have a shot at not screwing the pooch on this one.

On a related note, I need to stop thinking about my torts exam because I keep realizing things that I screwed up. I'm pretty sure I completely messed up a damages question and have only been comforted by the fact that it was only 1/3rd of a 40% question, so what is that, like 13%? That's not too bad, and surely I must have said something in there to get some points. But I'm pretty sure I screwed it bad... so, onward and upward we go.

For some odd reason, I woke up at 5:30 this morning unassisted by an alarm (which, granted, was set for 6:00 but I didn't see the need for those extra 30 minutes of sleep). Unfortunately, I agreed to run stairs with my workout buddy which kicked my ass. Walking back to my apartment I felt lightheaded, nauseous, and like I was going to vomit. So, instead of getting an early start to the day I literally passed out in my bed for about an hour, until some needy girl called and woke me up (no, I'm not talking about my girlfriend). I get a call from an 803 number that I don't recognize and I decide to answer it (which is risky, because the last time I did that it turned out to be an crazy ex's number that I had deleted from my phone and then forgotten it was her number... she was not happy, but then again, she's psycho). It turns out to be some little girl with cancer asking for blood donations. I would have been more sympathetic, but she woke me up from a nap so it looks like it up to someone else to save her life. Not it!

Call me Mr. Planters because I was just as-salted.

2006-12-18T16:49:00.000-05:00

Yeah, torts is officially over which means that I'm 2/3rds of the way done with my first semester of law school. And torts kicked my ass for sure... after putting what I thought to be a respectable performance on civil procedure I was welcomed to the world of closed-book exams and strict and short word limits. I don't even want to think about that exam right now.

I have, however, figured out what the anticipation of grades for 1L year is like: it's just how I feel at any national tournament before they handed out speaker awards for debate. I know that one is within my grasp, but everything kind of has to fall into place (right judges, good rounds, etc). So, I always sat kind of anxiously waiting and hoping that this time I would get a speaker award, and even if only the top spot was left I had some hope that it would be me, but when it wasn't, I wasn't really disappointed (just relieved it was over). That is pretty much exactly how I feel now... I feel like good grades ARE a possibility, but everything would have to work out just right... and I have a feeling that, just like speaker awards, it's not gonna happen. I don't think I bombed or anything, but if you're debating at NPTE or taking exams at NYU, you really aren't up against a lot of scrubs and I have a feeling I might be falling into the healthy middle of this group. Off to study for contracts so hopefully I can finish the first semester feeling like I made some exam my bitch, instead of the other way around.

It's the Final Countdown!

2006-12-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

My first exam is in roughly 12 hours now and I'm kind of filled with a giddy excitement. How sick is that? It's almost like a Christmas Eve of sorts, wondering what is left underneath the Exam SofTest tree. I hope I don't get coal (although that would probably be more appropriate for my study habits this year).

I think I've picked up a bad habit from my old debate partner. Prior to tournaments, he would spend time thinking of clever/funny ways to talk shit against teams that we might be debating... and now I've spent too much time thinking of funny jokes to work into my CivPro exam. I was sharing them with a friend of mine....

Me: What do you think about this.... what if, I call Rule 14 the "artist formerly known as impleader?"
AH: I can tell you've been at this way too long
Me: Fuck you, that is funny!
AH: Although, I have to admit... on the last page of my torts final last year, I spent the last 10 minutes drawing a big picture of the Kool Aid Guy with a caption that read "Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
AH: It's really amazing what people will find funny in the middle of the chaos that is finals...

At least I'm not alone. I'd share the rest of my classic material, but I don't want any of you stealing my schtick! (Because I'm sure that is a legitimate concern....). Most of them are pretty damn corny (imagine that, jokes about civil procedure not being legitimately funny) but I figure if I can't make substantive arguments (or, at the very least, outcome determinative ones) I might as well make the professor crack up while he is turning through 112 nearly identical, equally boring exams. I'll get back to you in February and let you know how my strategy works out.

Some thoughts on law school

2006-12-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a brief break from studying Civil Procedure so I thought , hmmm, what a better way to spend some time than post on my blog. This is a surefire way to break the curve.

1. Maybe it's just my personality but law school is NOT as stressful as everyone makes it out to be. Now, part of that might be the school that I'm at which is notorious for it's cooperative learning environment (though I have heard that one particular kid in my section has been hiding books in the library... fortunately I don't go to the library, mainly to stay away from neurotic peeps like him) and part of it is that I am not determined to get a clerkship nor do I want to make sure I'm hired by a high-profile firm up here. I want to go back to my hometown in the Southeast which is certainly not a high priority among most people here. And finally, a lot of it probably has to do with my personality in general. I tend not to get stressed out too easily over most things, and maybe 8 years of competitive debate have made it so that my threshold for stress is higher than most, so that helps.

2. However, that being said, I am studying more now than I ever have. I spend at least 1-2 hours a day doing practice exam problems, and generally another 3-4 hours on top of that either studying or bullshitting with my study group (which, translated = at least TALKING about the law). While I'm not running at WOT levels of productivity, it's still a lot of time to dedicate to studying, especially since even in undergrad studying for a final was rarely more than a one, MAYBE two day exercise in cramming and that seemed to work fine.

3. I really appreciate the hand-holding that goes on by the professors. This is the standard lecture we get: "Many of you are going to be very disappointed by your grades. Just to get in here, you have to be a very high-powered individual and many of you have probably never even gotten a B. But the fact of the matter is, 75-85% of you will get a B+ or less this year. That doesn't mean that you're bad at [insert 1L class here]. That's not it at all. In actuality, when you get out into the world you'll realize that, in fact, you're quite good at [insert 1L class here] compared to many of your peers. The difference is that, while you're here, you are competing against other very-talented students...." Thankfully, I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably not be getting any As/A-s this year (though my goal is to make at least all B+s, and MAYBE an A-) so I won't be disappointed.

4. On a completely unrelated note, I have perfected the walk from the grocery store back to my apartment. It's key to make the right at the intersection of Bleeker/LaGuardia and head down Bleeker on the right-hand side. This way you can avoid the homeless guy who is always outside of CVS. Then, don't make your right until you get to Sullivan, this way you can bypass the guys outside the Comedy Club who are always trying to shove tickets down your throat and avoid the homeless Asian woman who sits outside that corner shop. Less traffic + less homeless hassling = hotttttt.

Bullet Biter

2006-11-29T23:56:00.000-05:00

I went and did what everyone said you shouldn't do in law school. Join a study group. Well, I didn't really join one per se, I just went to a meeting today to feel it out, check out how I felt about it you know.... this should give you an idea how my peers feel about me.

Girl 1: I hear candy is the new penis.
Girl 2: (looks at me) You're scared of us now aren't you?
Me: Haha, no, it's gonna take a lot mor.....
Girl 1: Yeah, he's disgusting remember?
Girl 2: Oh yeah.... you are sick.

Who said these things aren't constructive?

I'm Baccccckkkkk (Cue the T.O. rap song)

2006-11-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you all missed me... and no, if you were going to guess it hasn't been the Tiger Woods Golf that has kept me away. I've actually been pretending to be a student which is pretty much a brand new experience to me. Right now I'm hanging out in one of our lounges taking a much needed break from Torts and thought I would provide a few updates:

1) There is in fact a God. You know how I know? Carolina beat Clemson this year, 31-28. I almost wanted to cry.... every year that I was there for undergrad we lost this rivalry game and my first year out we pull off the victory. Must be that Spurrier magic, but if you really want to know how important the game is to me, this was a conversation that happened between me and my girlfriend during the game:

GF: "something something something I love you."
(Corey Boyd breaks 4 tackles)
Me: "I love Corey Boyd."

Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks this game is that important. Somewhere in South Carolina a man fatally shot one of his friends over a $20 bet on the game. The hatred really runs deep in this rivalry.

2) I was riding the subway today and there was an ad for a personal injury attorney that was entirely in Spanish. Okay, so that's not terribly surprising or exciting. But, you would never guess what the toll-free number for their firm was:

1-800-MARGARITA

I'm sending in my application as soon as the ABA will let me.

3) I don't understand the general lack of courtesy up here, people really act like opening a door for someone or holding an elevator is like straight out of the 1700s. Maybe it is, someone should clue me in. At the same time, it's really starting to rub off on me. You know, sometimes I really don't feel the need to postpone my elevator trip 2 seconds by waiting for you... plus, then I can point and laugh at you as the doors close in your face. And, I don't ever have to worry about that awkward elevator ride with you later because chances are you wouldn't share anyway.

Dear Santa

2006-11-13T22:10:00.001-05:00

I'm praying to Santa now since it is at least getting close to Christmas time and I don't think there is a God anymore. If there was a God, Florida wouldn't have blocked South Carolina's field goals three times in one game. Or at the very least, God is not a Gamecocks fan. I would say he is not a Panthers fan, but we just aren't playing very well. But Santa (and maybe God too) should know that I am a devoted Gamecocks fan, and if they want to make my season and year complete, they will let us beat Clemson this year. That is all.

Dear Santa

2006-11-13T22:10:00.000-05:00

A throwback for the ages

2006-11-12T08:33:00.000-05:00

Do you ever watch movies you used to think were the shit when you were little, only to watch them when you're older and wonder what you were thinking? Enter the Mighty Ducks trilogy. I woke up this morning and Mighty Ducks 2 was on, so of course I had to watch it. I don't know how even a 10 year old mind can't figure out the absurdity of this ending. During the course of a 30 second timeout, they manage to have one player put on an entire set of goalie pads and a new jersey without anyone from the other team noticing. Then, with time expiring, they line up Russ from nearly 70 yards out for an uncontested shot that of course ties the game.

Whatever... that kid has range.

Borat, USC, and you

2006-11-12T00:06:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't seen the new Borat movie yet (though I want to) but I am told that there are some fraternity brothers that make us alumni proud. [insert sarcasm here] Apparently they make some pretty degrading comments about women and minorities (in typical frat fashion at USC). Now they're upset and are seeking_an_injunction. I'm not so certain their arguments are without merit. I'd be pretty upset if someone got me drunk first and then made me sign a release waiver while telling me it had "something to do with the reliability of the vehicle they were driving." But, that being said, their big concern is that they were told that their identity and their affiliation with the University of South Carolina wouldn't be revealed. Fine, but if you were that concerned, TAKE OFF YOUR GODDAMN SOUTH CAROLINA HATS.

The Failed Experiment

2006-11-01T21:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I tried being studious for a few hours... and it turns out I am borderline illiterate. As I am roughly 1/3rd of the way through my torts reading, my friend VG comes by to say hi and asks me how torts is going. After some casual bullshitting, I discover that I am unable to even read a syllabus and have been reading the wrong assignment. I knew I should have stayed home and slept off my Halloween hangover.

This place is strangely unfamiliar

2006-11-01T21:11:00.000-05:00

I am currently camped out in the library working on my contracts outline. This place is devoid of sunlight AND of Tiger Woods. I'm not sure I like it very much. If you don't hear from me in a few days, please send in a search party. And bring Tiger.

Do I need an intervention?

2006-10-31T00:08:00.000-05:00

SD: we had an eating disorder lecture today
Me: do i have one?
Me: b/c that would be ALL the rage
SD: and she was talking about how 1 mil. men have eating disorders
SD: and I asked: do they characterize different than female eating disorders?
SD: and she said: yes, for men it's about getting as big as possible, having strange food rituals and exercise mandates, lifting too much, and consuming too much protein
SD: I kid you not!
Me: did you tell her your b/f has an eating disorder?
SD: that's what I thought!
Me: i also vomit it up
Me: and then re-digest the vomit for fear of missing out on protein
Me: your cruelty drives me to meat

A Nor'easter blowing through...

2006-10-29T21:00:00.000-05:00

I went out today to do a little shopping and checked the forecast ahead of time since I had no idea how cold it was. It was only 54, but wind was steady at 30 mph with gusts of 50 mph. This was ridiculous. Walking down Broadway, the buildings were acting like little funnels for the wind. People were stumbling around, hats being blown off. The last time I was blown that hard it was at least in the privacy of my own apartment.

Also, they have been shooting a movie in Washington Square Park for the past few weeks (I have been told Will Smith is in it). They have some SERIOUS electrical equipment out there including some lights that I honestly think are there to simulate moonlight. One of these towers is like 150 feet tall. But, they can't just pack all this stuff up and unpack it everyday so they just leave it in the park. This I do not understand.... just two blocks down the street I saw a new BMW M3 have all of its rims stolen, but they can leave millions in electrical equipment in a park full of weed-smoking and dealing homeless people for weeks on end? Maybe they're just too high to care.

I've got no excuse...

2006-10-27T23:37:00.001-04:00

So, I wish I could say that the reason that I haven't updated my blog is something legitimate like, actually doing work. That's not the case. Well, SD did come up and visit so that was 5 days that I was incapacitated. And might I add, I think I ran up a pretty good score against my neighbor. Take that! But, then I had the bright idea of buying Tiger Woods Golf which has completely destroyed my productivity. On the bright side, I've logged two hole-in-ones this week and have just qualified for Q-School. Man, I really hope that is on my CivPro final...

I've got no excuse...

2006-10-27T23:37:00.000-04:00

Gunner Moment of the Week

2006-10-18T21:08:00.000-04:00

I realized maybe I should talk about law school every once in a while... and occasionally funny things happen in class (outside of what happens in my AIM conversations, that is). Today, our CivPro professor starts to call on someone and then stops.

Prof: "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you had your hand up."
Gunner: "No, I didn't... but I could still say something anyway. (Begin long-winded answer which included trying to interrupt the professor at least 3 times with, "But!...")

I can't wait for our Fantasy Gunner League to start. More details to follow.

Dear next-door neighbor...

2006-10-15T15:37:00.000-04:00

I'm really happy that you are actually having sex, and doing so on a Sunday morning when most good Americans would be in church (and not synagogue either, don't think I don't notice that Star of David over your door). After seeing most of the 1Ls in action (or inaction) at this week's SBA event, I was really starting to get worried that the anxiety level would never drop in our classes because no one was ever going to get laid. So, good for you. But please tell your boyfriend to keep it down. He is really killing the mood on this side of the wall.

Fair and balanced reporting

2006-10-12T21:37:00.000-04:00

While there are certainly things about my roommate that annoy me, I have to give him props on this one. This email has been cracking me up all day. Our building managers have decided to turn on the heat starting tomorrow. While that's all well and good it really is not THAT cold out yet. So, these two emails were sent to our managers:

"Are you people completely insane? It's early October and they're calling for temperatures in the 70s next week. I'm still running my air conditioning on high half of the time and I can barely go outside during the day without sweating. Is this even legal? Don't you people have to provide us at least with window AC units or something so we don't die of hyperthermia?"

Followed by:

Just as a follow-up, all the buildings of the law school are kept at obscenely high temperatures. I have a class in F where I can't even function without a bottle of ice water. The problem as I see it is that this school and this city are full of fat people who have incredibly low metabolisms because they never engage in physical activities and spend all their time studying in the library and eating simple carbs. I fail to see why I and others should suffer simply because others are slowly killing themselves.There is an obesity epidemic in this country, and high building temperatures only encourages it. Please don't let D [our building] be partof the problem.

What do you think? Think we'll get to keep our A/C for a few days?

Well, isn't karma a B?

2006-10-08T11:08:00.000-04:00

After cracking on Jim Abbott in my last post, I have now lost the use of my right hand. Oh the irony. Let me just say I had a hell of a weekend. Flag football resulted in a disappointing 13-6 loss, despite my 40-50 yard touchdown reception in coverage and another nearly 80 yard catch and run on my part where I was chased out at around the 5. So, we had a chance to score to tie the game with under a minute to go and our QB overthrew a wide open receiver in the end zone to be picked off. On top of that, I broke my middle finger and had a slight groin pull during the football game.

To make matters worse, my attempt to soften the pain of the groin injury resulted in me nearly passing out from pain. Let me explain. While sitting down, I decided to apply some IcyHot to the inner part of my thigh, not thinking that when I stood up my testicles would be brushing against that part of my thigh. About 30 seconds later, I'm writhing about on the floor in the worst pain of my life. Although I must say, this sounds like a good torts hypothetical. There certainly is no warning in the tube that says "Do not apply this product to your genitals."

So to sum up my wild weekend for the lazy reader out there here are the Cliff's Notes:

1) Broke my middle finger.
2) Mild groin strain.
3) Nearly IcyHotted my balls into oblivion.

Prior to my porcelain cruise...

2006-10-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

I thought I would share some thoughts:

1) Today I saw a car with a No Questions "?" Asked Car Club. I think they must be desperate for membership. This particular gem is an '88 Honda Accord with nothing done to it outside of some gawdy, Wal-Mart style Fhrome (Fake Chrome) rims. You'd think in a city of like 10+ million people they could be a little more selective, but to each their own.

2) Our school must be an athletic menace on the field. I saw someone wearing one of our Track shirts today and he only had one arm. Not to say that people with one arm can't be athletes, I seem to recall an Atlanta Braves pitcher with only one arm (although apparently not well enough to remember his name. I'm sure one of you that actually likes baseball will remind me), but let's just say I hope he doesn't do the pole vault.

3) Resources are pretty scarce at our school gym. Specifically, there is only one squat rack in the entire weight room. Fortunately, most people here seemed to be scared of such heavy-weight, complex exercise movements but that doesn't mean that things always go swimmingly when I need to use the rack. Last week when I wanted to do some barbell shrugs there was a guy over there deadlifting around 315 pounds. Now, chances are if a guy is deadlifting that much he can probably whoop my ass. Especially if this guy is like 5'6... he's particularly built. But fast forward to today, one week later. As R and I are about to go do shrugs, we notice two guys over in the squat rack. And what are they doing? Barbell curls with all of 60 pounds. Not a huge deal, but it's not like you actually need the rack for that... so I go over:

Me: How many sets do you guys have left?
DB (you can figure out that abbreviation yourself): Three.
Me: Oh okay, do you mind if we use the rack for shrugs while you rest? Or just take your barbell out of the rack?
DB: You can't just wait?
Me: (thinking to myself) No, we can't just wait... we're on a pretty tight schedule here. (Which is true, I don't like to have to wait like 6-8 minutes just to do a f'in exercise and I was supposed to meet my friend V at the pool for another workout after weights).
Me: (what I actually said) Fuck it, whatever...

Little things like this often annoy me... you can easily do 60 lbs outside of the rack, but it's a lot harder to deadlift 275 lbs off the ground and then do shrugs with them and then repeat. Especially when that person is me and has abnormally weak legs and a lower back... but despite our gym's lacking in the squat department, they do have an entire rack of preloaded barbells with 15-105 pounds on them in 5 lb increments precisely for that purpose. I think I was in the right about this one. Any gym goers care to share their thoughts?

Update!

2006-10-03T11:45:00.000-04:00

For those of you keeping score at home, you can add a broken jar of fruit preserves on our kitchen floor. Mmmmm, deliciously sticky.

Par for the course

2006-09-28T07:12:00.000-04:00

Me: if i win 2 grand I will be calling your ass
PK: that's cool, it's worth waking me up
Me: what if I bust out and rub one out? can I tell you about that
PK: that you'll have to save for later
Me: fine
PK: cuz it will help me rub one out
Me: you know, our relationship has really lost that passion

I'm not gay, but my partner here loves the cock, LOVES IT. The ladies love us, I promise.

Reasons why you shouldn't go into Crim Law

2006-09-27T12:02:00.000-04:00

We were in lawyering class today discussing a hypothetical research plan and one TA kept referring to the accused as "the criminal." After a while of that, the other TA corrected her. Her response, "Yeah, that probably would be bad if I keep referring to him as the criminal. AND, I'm going to DC this weekend for a hearing regarding a guy on death row. I think he's innocent but it would probably be pretty bad if we kept calling him the criminal."

(Insert general agreeing sentiment from the class).

"Plus, if I kept calling him a criminal he would probably get pissed off enough to kill me."

(Class booes and laughs, a few comments such as: "This guy is screwed.").

"No, no, you have to understand, I'm reading some of these things this guy did, I mean, was acccused of doing on the transcript and it's scary."

(Jaws slowly start to drop).

"But, I mean, I think he's innocent.... well, at the very least, he wasn't the one that pulled the trigger.... but anyway, if you ever have a chance to get involved in a death-penalty clinic here I highly recommend it, it's a lot of fun."

Me: "Yeah, it sounds like that guy is having a blast."

I love my section

2006-09-26T10:58:00.000-04:00

This is an email that was just sent out by some people in Section III:

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." - David Daye
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy." - Fred Allen
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." - Joe E. Lewis
So, in light of what these great thinkers have proposed, we propose the following:
When: Thursday Night 7-9pm, before the SBA event in Vandy
Where: Slane
What: Happy Hour with all of Section Three! And for that, $3 will get you a RedBull/Vodka, Rheingold, Red Stripe, or Sol!

I'm like a rat in the maze.... that pissed his pants

2006-09-22T09:04:00.000-04:00

One thing I have noticed about all of these New York clubs is that you have to follow a series of interconnected tunnels designed by the Viet Cong to find a bathroom. Seriously... we were out at Sin Sin the other night and to find the bathroom you had to sneak around the upstairs bar, know where the black curtain was to reveal a secret hallway (and not go too far to the right, because that just leads you downstairs), then you walk down that hallway and come to a fork... don't go to the left because then you'll just end up in another club that shares the same bathroom. Make a right.... walk down to that hallway and try to figure out which way to go to get to the men's bathroom. Now, imagine you are totally shit-faced drunk. And it's dark. And they use disorienting, low-output, red lightbulbs everywhere. Did I mention you were drunk? Okay, so you find it the first time. Can you find your way back to where you started? Even if you are lucky enough to not end up in a) the other club or b) the wrong level of the bar you were in, can you remember how you got there when you have to go piss again? Because you were stupid and broke the seal early in the night you have to repeat this procedure 2, 3, maybe 4 times. All I know is this is a surefire recipe for an R. Kelly "I want to piss on you" (because I can't find the goddamn bathroom) remix.

What kind of fruit roll-up will he roll up with next?

2006-09-22T08:56:00.000-04:00

Life with my roommate is always a surprise and I often wake up wondering what tragedy will have overcome our apartment during the night while I'm sleeping. Anyone that has lived with me knows that I am not the neatest person in the world, but I think I'm changing my ways. For all the naysayers (here is looking at you Noyes, though you were never as bad as "you know who") I wash my egg pan every morning after I'm done now. Having 2 square feet for your entire kitchen leaves little room for error. But the combination of my roommate not being the cleanliness and a total klutz is enough to make me even wish he was as clean as me. Here's a recap of all the things that I can't think of that have happened in the not quite month since I've moved here: 1) a full trash can knocked over, not out of sheer accident but because he thought it would be a good idea to pull it toward him with his toe even though both hands were free 2) an entire bag of coffee beans spilled on the floor 3) a bottle of wine dropped on the floor and shattered 4) an "in progress" espresso machine knocked off a table (that includes liquids and ground coffee roast on the floor 5) a device with a rubber handle placed on an open flame which consequently caught fire 6) a television knocked off it's stand. Twice. In one day. And last but not least 7) a bathroom that appears as if it has been flooded after every shower.

So, who wants to come visit?

Ambushed and/or bushwhacked

2006-09-11T08:56:00.000-04:00

Personally, I don't like to shower at the gym. It involves too much preparation, bringing a change of clothes, toiletries and all that jazz.... but then again, the gym is just a 5-10 minute walk from my apartment so it's not a big deal for me to shower there. But, if you're going to shower at the gym, I think there is at least a little locker room etiquette to be observed. I don't think this is going to be a very comprehensive list, but I do have one rule I think we can all agree should be observed. If you're going to be naked in the locker room, you should not be naked in a public walkway right around a blind corner. AND, if you are going to be naked around a blind corner, please do not be bending over trying to give me your best "goat" impression. That is not something that I, or anyone else, needs at 8:30 in the morning.

Can't stop the hustle (and bustle)

2006-09-07T08:50:00.000-04:00

Despite my abundance of time in the city (2 weeks), I have been unable to figure out if the so-called "Northerners" are different creatures of habit than my southern brethren or if some of their behavior is just the result of shoving 1.5 million residents onto the tiny island of Manhattan... who knows. But regardless, here are a few observations and a few other things that annoy me.

Stereotypes that Southerners have about black people, Northerners have about Southerners. I was hanging out with my friend L who goes to Columbia for grad school and she made some crack about me missing all of my "fried chicken and watermelon." My first reaction was, "where the hell did that come from? I didn't know that all of us in the South were known to eat that...." But then I thought about it, and they both are delicious. How did she know?!?!?! But like Dave Chappelle says, if you don't like chicken, there is something wrong with you.... motherfucker.

People walking on the sidewalks are entirely oblivious to the world around them. When I think of the Big Apple, I think of masses of people that are very busy, with a frenetic energy about them. This is only partially true. There are certainly masses of people, as I learned when I tried to go to Trader Joe's on a weekend. And there are those that are in a hurry, which usually seems to be me. But there are still those that wander aimlessly about, usually four-wide to a group, that get in my way. I just want to push them under a taxi.

They have weird rules for the gym here. For one, you aren't allowed to wear headphones in the weight room. Why? Because some idiot hurt himself or presumably the person he was supposed to be spotting and blamed it on the headphones. *Insert GOB voice* Come on! We're supposedly a pretty good school, but apparently our students can't handle doing more than one task at a time. Chewing gum? Check. Start walki.... whooaaaa shit. Also, with space being such a valuable resource people should never be allowed to do flyes on anything but a flye machine or with dumbells. Doing it in the center of the "multi-station weight thingy" (yes, that is a technical term) takes up too much space. Especially say, if you are hypothetically some 65 year old grandma who definitely does not have GILF status doing 10 pounds a side. Why don't we save us all the trouble and just go circle jerk two guys in the locker room, that's about the same amount of resistance and then I don't have to "weight" for a machine.

Overheard during my torts class (well, actually on IM)

2006-09-04T17:30:00.000-04:00

CLS(3L): Have you done the Hairy hand case?
CLS(3L): You should ask about causation, if the kid started masturbating around the time the surgery occurred
Me: we are talking about that right now
CLS(3L): and then insist that its true and say that's why you don't ever do it
Me: and that thought crossed my mind actually, when I was reading it last night
CLS(3L): fucking do it, you'll be legend
CLS(3L): you'll be a god among men at NYU

I'm young, with the soul of an old man

2006-08-30T22:45:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been getting settled in in NYC which is going pretty well. The first few days of orientation have been an abundance of free food and way too many gatherings in auditoriums that remind me of high school. But other than that, nothing too noteworthy has occurred.

Until today.

Today marked the first day of classes and lo and behold, therein lies a story. For those of you who have read Scott Turow's book One L (and for those of you that haven't, it basically recounts what it is like to be a One L at Harvard), you'll probably remember him talking about an eeeeevvviiiilllll professor. That's really all I can say because it's been a while since I read the book, but he was the big antagonist of the book but I do remember he is infamous for his dictatorial approach to the Socratic method, sometimes calling on a student for the entirety of the class period. Well, this semester the pleasure of having him falls on to me, for civil procedure. And who also got the dutiful pleasure of being called on on the first day? You guessed it. Yours truly.

The case we were discussing happened to have originated in a court in North Carolina. The professor asks, so do we have any people here from North Carolina? I'm looking around, hoping that someone else is eager to display a little Tar Heel pride. Nope, not today. Not even any of the Dukies willing to raise their hand. So, with a little bit of an eye from my neighbor (who I had introduced myself to just moments earlier and mentioned my Carolina roots) my hand went up. And you know what? I survived. Sure, I haven't felt that dumb since... well, never in an academic setting, but it's something that everyone in our section is going to have to go through. And, I certainly believe there is some merit to what the professor said prior to the class. He acknowledged that he can be harsh, but that we are training to become professionals and he doesn't want to coddle us. Fair enough.

But, BV had offered some advice to me earlier in the week that would have avoided the embarrassment. He wrote me an email that said, "Piece of advice: no matter how brilliant of a point you think you have, just shut up. For the first two weeks, don't say a word." Believe me BV, if I could have kept my mouth shut, I would have.

Which one of you was masturbating?

2006-08-26T11:01:00.000-04:00

It's okay, you can admit it. Everyone does it, some of us even on the hour (though I'm not sure who that is). But the reason I know that one of you did it, is that God killed a kitten this morning.

I'm getting ready to leave my house when my dad comes out from behind the motorhome and tells me not to go yet. Since I'm obviously an expert mechanic (see my post below), he wanted me to check out the motorhome. He said he cranked it up and the engine started making an awful sound and he thinks a bird got in there because he thinks he saw feathers flying about. Well, it turns out it wasn't feathers. It was fur.

We get into the motorhome and look down at the top of the engine and there is some fur in the engine bay. Upon further inspection, Dr. Holmes and I found paw prints on some dusty parts of the engine. But, we don't see anything underneath there so maybe the cat just got scared and ran off. My dad says he is going to crank the engine and I'm supposed to be on the lookout for anything that is going wrong. He cranks it, sounds fine. I get a better angle to look back deep into the engine bay and what do I find? A tabby-colored ball of fur. Where is it? In between the radiator and the fan that cools the radiator. Not good news for Miss Kitty. Apparently, she/he crawled underneath the motorhome and was just chilling in the radiator fan shroud/housing when the RV started. RV 1, cat 0.

So, then we have to get to the manner of removing said cat and this was easily one of the most disturbing things I've ever done. Basically, my dad and I had to pull this cat out from the openings in between the fan blades. Imagine how small that space is on your car radiator. It's not that much bigger on this one. Not to mention, we're pulling him out by his hind legs with his ass coming out first. All this pressure caused this cat to start ripping ass in our faces. There is no smell that is worse than a dead cat's fart, and I can say that with authority. Silky seemed to think this was pretty funny, and it's all well and good until you have aersolized, digested cat food sprayed in your face. Thankfully, we got the cat out of there. Maybe we should post his head on a pole near the motorhome as a warning to other cats. The homeowner's association might be a little upset, but it could be a necessary precaution.

I can tell you one thing though: That cat had nine lives and it just spent them all.

Where can I get a necklace with a "T" on it?

2006-08-25T18:25:00.000-04:00

I don't consider myself a very religious person and most of my friends know this. At the same time, my car has always had a rosary hanging from the rear view. Not because I feel safe knowing that God's watching over me, but I used to work at a movie theater, found it cleaning up one day, and decided that it could be a good-luck talisman of sorts. I have not been in an accident since I have had it in either of my cars, and have only been ticketed once (and that was after I bought my new car and had forgotten to hang it up yet). So, no matter the method of its power, it has worked.

Fast forward to today. I had my buyer come down to check out my car. I've had the car for about a week since all of the work has been finished on it, and I have beat on it, had friends check it out, had it inspected and absolutely zero problems. Buyer shows up, I take him for a drive in it, he drives it himself: NO PROBLEMS. As we get ready to head to the bank to have the title signed over to him, I clean out the final remnants of the car that are mine including the rosary. Less than 10 minutes after that, the car blows an intercooler pipe off the car. No big deal, that's happened before. I ride back with him to my house for tools, jack the car up, lay on the blacktop for 30 minutes, burn my hand on the downpipe and get it fixed. We drive to the bank, title is put in his name, and drive back. On the drive back the car starts to run a little warm, not overheating to hte point where the light comes on and all that jazz, but warmer than it should. I turn the heat on and it cools down some. We get back to the house and I try to add some water to it, but idiot me forgets about how much pressure that coolant is under so of course it boils out everywhere and scalds my hands. Then, he turns the car on and the battery light comes on and power windows/locks/A/C anything that would require power is not working which is real odd because the battery and alternator were replaced literally two days ago. After running a bit, those problems go away (probably water in the connections) and he drives off. I get a call 5 minutes later saying that the intercooler pipe came off again. This time, the section of pipe blew itself off the car and bounced across the highway. They find it, stand back while I drive out, lay on the blacktop again, this time remove the radiator fan so I can get better access to it and proceed to clamp the shit out of it. They drive off hopefully for good. I'm kind of getting nervous as I drive around, anxiously staring at my phone awaiting the blaring "Final Countdown" ringtone. Sure enough, 20 minutes later I get a phone call.

"Hey man, something is really wrong with this car. The engine is making a terrible noise, it's blowing smoke out the exhaust, I opened the hood and there was coolant burning everywhere."

No, it's not covered under warranty.

Now, they are up the interstate from my house with a brokedown car. I don't know what to do. Insert my ethical dilemma for the day. The title is in their name. I have almost six grand in cash sitting at my house. They have signed a "bill of sale" which proclaims my no-liability powers toward anything on the car and states that they accept the car as-is. Should I laugh maniacally and yell, "Sucker!" while I hang up and drive back toward my comfy house? Probably not, karma is a bitch but I'm gonna have to wait to fuck her. I call him back, tell him I get 100-mile tows for free on my AAA service. I arrange that. End of the story is, I gave him 2 grand of the money back with the stipulation that if it's more than that to repair the car, he'll have to eat the cost and if it's less than that I hope he will reimburse me for that money. Sure, I wasn't a hardass and I probably could have legally gotten away with doing nothing, but now I can sleep at night. I probably could have been a real gentleman and offered the rosary for a small fee, but I'm keeping that shit with me so I don't get mugged in NY.

Muggers and buyers beware!

I got the US open, advantage Dickson

2006-08-24T18:36:00.000-04:00

I realized why I hadn't been posting very often lately: I haven't been doing jackshit. Most of my days were spent trying to find the most appropriate porn for my morning workout and packing for NYC. The less I interact with people, the less opportunities I have to get pissed off at the idiots in the world. But, after my foray into the "real world" today, I feel a little better to be sitting behind my Dell.

Charlotte has slowly turned into a police state and I always seem to forget it. One of the highways right by my house has "photo enforced speed limits." It's a 45 mph zone, and when I lived here during high school, at least 55 was common and acceptable, if not at least 60. (One of my friends actually got pulled over for doing 125 on this road... not the smartest, but the fact that he could get up to 125 proves that the road isn't that dangerous.... well, now that he's off of it). Now, it seems like everyone driving this road is in the AARP, driving around 35-40. This might not be too far from the truth since there is a retirement community called Plantation Estates (probably called so for the wealthy and white octogenarians who actually owned plantations back in the day). If I'm driving a pick-up truck that is loaded down with nearly a half ton of wood chips, and I think you're taking the turn to slow we're in bad shape. Why is that the elderly drive so slow? It's as if they are scared that any sudden movements could release the contents of their colon onto the cheap upholstery of their EconoBox. Maybe that's why their teeth are always clenched, with whitening knuckles maddeningly clenching the wheel? But then, if they're worried about inadvertently auditioning for a spot in an "Ooops, I Crapped My Pants" commercial, you would think they would hurry the fuck up. This is about as far as I've gotten and I remain as perplexed as ever. You figure it out.

The jury is still out on my 1L class. Someone sent out an email on our listserv wondering where to buy kegs near the Village in order to supply a welcoming party for the 1Ls (thumbs up). But today on the listserv, someone posted a "Callback Competition" where he was bragging about the number of callbacks he got (douche-chill). Be on the lookout for updates.

A Night Out With The Boys

2006-08-19T21:52:00.000-04:00

Last night, my boy Silky (also known as PK on the blog) and SH (another USC college grad) went out in downtown Charlotte. Despite living here for a while, I really never went out drinking in downtown before... it's about a 15 minute drive from my house and usually caters to the mid 20s crowd, which I am fastly approaching. The night started off a little rough when I gave Silky the wrong exit number to get off at to get to my house. I knew things were probably a little off when I got a call that said, "Hey man, I just crossed over the state border..." But, like Silky said, you knew it was going to be a good night when it involves a trip across state lines although this time there was no body in the trunk.

Silky arrives in his aptly-named Bone Ranger almost simultaneous with SH at my house and we head out. We spent most of the night drinking at the Buckhead Saloon. I think we learned a few important universal truths:

1: If you are a bouncer at a bar it is a requirement to be a skinhead. Not only does it make you look more intimidating, it's necessary to protect the proper white:black ratio in said bar. Seriously, the entrance to this bar looked like a casting call for American History X. Ironically, the only bouncer there who didn't have a shaved head went to high school and college with Silky although he was a recent hire so I'm sure he will be Teddy Savales bald in days.

2. If you go to Buckhead, the real party takes place in the bathroom, though given our friend ZS's college antics involving girls and bathrooms we probably should have known this ahead of time. After SH telling Silky that this was the whitest bar he's ever been to (the cover band consisted of two white guys on guitars, which were at one point singing "Holla Back Girl" and the DJ was spinning such contemporary hits as "Getting Jiggy With It" and "It's Getting Hot in Hurr") we walk into the bathroom to find the only black employee with his own boombox rocking Tupac's "Gangsta Party." If I wasn't wearing sandals and feeling like my feet were getting pissed on, I would have stayed there all night.

3. Do not let yourself get pulled over by Charlotte's finest bike policemen. I don't mean Harley-bike, but Schwinn bike. We witnessed some guy getting pulled over by two cops on bicycles (although I'm not sure why would you let this happen, just get up to any speed >15 mph and you should be set). Within minutes he is being handcuffed, a prisoner transport van has arrived, along with two Char-Meck police cars and a State Trooper. We suspected drugs were involved. Ironically enough, a limo pulled up next to the bust and someone made a joke about this being the drug lord bailing out his coke mule.... within seconds of the limo's arrival the police cars left. That's power, baby.

4. Women unequivocally do not like to be hit on from a moving vehicle. Silky got the cold shoulder twice from women as he tried to roll down his window to get their attention. How did she know that we weren't just curious as to whether or not she had any Grey Poupon? Awfully pretentious of her to assume that he was going to hit on her. That part was just a lucky guess.

We managed to drink pretty cheaply at Buckhead though, I picked up 3 rounds of beer for everyone and some how 9 beers ended up costing me only 16 bucks. I'm not a mathematician so I thought not to argue.

Bye bye Talon and cameraderie

2006-08-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

I'm sure I misspelled that word but I'm too tired to really care. I've had an Eagle Talon (a '91 and a '96) since I have been legally able to drive. I also helped to Carolina DSM which is a group for car enthusiasts into Mitsubishi Eclipses/Eagle Talons. The past four years while I've been at school I have stayed in touch with some of the guys online and through our message board, but I haven't been as active as I used to be. But due to a minor car accident I had this past week, I had to install some stuff on my car and needed some help with some of the stuff (basically I bought eBay stuff to save some money and make a little profit off of my insurance check, but like all things cheap, they don't work without 'minor modifications). In this case, minor modifications turned into metal cutting, hacking a bumper, and pipe welding. So, friends who I haven't seen in a few years came over, spent a few hours at my house, brought welding equipment, and helped me out all in exchange for a few beers. It's nice to have that kind of loyalty... it's pretty hard to find, but very satisfying when you do find it. Not only that, but two guys I had never met before came over and they offered to lend a hand. One was so nice that he offered to take some stuff into work for me and use tools there to cut some of the stuff (I guess he works in an industrial place and was gonna use a plasma cutter to some steel that I was just gonna throw out). I don't know if even I'd be that nice and generous in that situation, but I hope I can repay the favor at some point. So, I'm gonna miss having my car and miss having a real reason to be in the "club," but I don't think it's anything I will ever really leave. Hell, my friend Wes has owned 4 DSMs in the time that I've known him, now drives a Benz, and still comes out to the meetings. No matter who you are, or how long you've been gone, you're never really an outsider with this group.

Blog hiatus

2006-08-16T11:19:00.000-04:00

Not really taking one, but I feel like I'm returning from one. There has been alot of stuff going on lately which has kind of prevented me from writing a new entry, which is in a way ironic, since you think it would provide me with more material... Oh well, no worries I am not going the way of the BV. Speaking of, he is moved in in his apartment for law school and I am jealous... I'm just sitting around letting time fly before August 27th which is fastly approaching.

Speaking of law school... I'm not really on the "up and up" if you will about law school. I feel mostly underprepared for it, except when I talk to my roommate who is more of a slacker than myself. I knew he would be good for something. However, the Charlotte Observer just had an article about the new "Charlotte School of Law" opening up, brought to you by the same people who founded the Florida Coastal School of Law. Charlotte is the new Atlanta I'm telling you... getting ready to become a law school powerhouse. Seriously though, it's gotta be hard to break into this cut-throat industry. I remember the College of Charleston law school that opened a year or two ago and has YET to get certified by the ABA. I really feel for all these kids who are going there, shelling out thousands of dollars a year, for a school that might not get certified and will certainly only give them the barest of job prospects when they graduate. But that's about as long as my sorrow will last because I'm not going there and neither are any of my friends so I should stop pretending like I care.

NYC countdown is fastly approaching zero... I think I have something like a week and a half to go and I'm excited. Oh, one of the reasons I haven't been posting is that my internet has been working at less than dial-up speeds. For a while, I started to think my dad lost his job or something. But that has been taken care of for now so I can live like a civilized person.

Did someone say oral???

2006-08-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

I hate going to the dentist. It seems like everytime I go, I get poked and prodded for about 45 minutes while they clean my teeth and then I sit up for the inevitable lecture that they give me. "Your teeth are fine but your gums are in terrible shape, you need to floss more... blah blah blah." Meanwhile, my eyes are starting to glaze over while I mumble something about starting to floss more often and I'm pretending to listen while instead I'm noticing that under "Emergency Precautions" their standard procedure for resuscitation efforts are to "continue until you are tired." Great... I hope I don't have a heart attack here, or else this chubby won't be able to give me CPR for more than 30, 45 seconds tops. Also, it must feel great to be a dentist. The hygenist slaves over my teeth for about 45 minutes, finishes, and then tells me that the dentist will be right in. He strolls in about 10 minutes later, obviously slowed by his fat wallet (which is at least 3x as thick as the hygenist's). He then looks at my teeth very slowly, tapping each one with his little scraper deal. I have no idea what he is doing up there.... probably just counting my teeth to make sure they are all there. In less than five minutes he has now decreed that my teeth look fine and that he hopes to see me in six months. It must be easy to be a dentist... is it too late for a career change?

Fish Tails

2006-08-08T17:44:00.000-04:00

Day 1:

I got skunked on this day, must have been my skinny internet fingers preventing me from catching any fish. To the untrained eye, fishing looks pretty skill-less. Think about it. Put some meat on a hook, throw it out in the ocean, and wait…. For me, that waiting took all day. My dad on the other hand, caught four fish.

Day 1 Fish Count: 3 bluefish, 1 spot.

Day 2:

I’ve changed my mind. Fishing is now a sport of the Gods and one that I am the best at. Today, we pull up to our fishing spot and before my dad is done setting up his rod and reel I’ve pulled a fish out of the ocean AND it is one that hasn’t been caught before by man EVER, well, at least these two men on this particular trip. Five hours later and it becomes apparent to me that after 9:52 AM fishing reverts to a sport of luck. I guess we have to make it fair for the fish, because if luck weren’t involved I would deplete the ocean’s supply. Halfway through this day, an old family friend of ours TM shows up and manages to catch a shark before we leave.

Day 2 Fish Count: 3 whiting, 1 flounder, 1 shark.

Day 3:

Today is our first full day out with TM and a good day for me as old college buddy (now that I’ve graduated I think I can use that term) BV and his father join us for fishing. When they arrive they seem impressed with our professionalism (meaning my dad has lots of rods and reels that are shiny and can be mounted on his truck while he drives). We drive out to a new fishing spot with the five of us and fish begin to jump on our hooks. It is before 9:52. In the first half of an hour TM and my dad have caught two flounders, and BVDad and I are rocking one a piece. Bill apparently lacks skill. A 4 year old boy and his mother pull up to the fishing spot beside ours. The mother lands a fish. We mock BV. Next thing we know, the 4-year old is reeling in two fish at once. Obviously BV can’t compete with that, none of us can. 9:52 comes and goes and now BV has landed his first flounder.

I will say, you cannot fault BV for not trying. At one point, he thought he had a bite and yanked the rod so hard it traveled >180 degrees from in front of him, to directly behind him in the sand. Other than that, we had a pretty decent day

Day 3 Fish Count: 14 flounder, 3 spots, 1 whiting, 1 flying fish, and 2 sharks.

Day 4:

By now we have cracked the fish code and make sure to head out early as to offset the luck factor. The three of us head to South Beach (though not the one of Miami fame) and decide to try our luck there. We start catching croakers by the dozen (so called because they actually make a croaking sound, maybe only when they are dying though). Some of the fish we catch are kind of small, but not one to let things go to waste we start rigging them up as live bait on the big rods and reels. The weights are heavy enough that the fish can’t swim wherever they want so we just leave them out there and set the rods in stakes in the ground. At one point, we look over in time to see the rod tip bend over and get pulled out of the stake and into the ocean. My dad drops his rod and reel, runs over and picks it up and the line is slack. He reels it in and the fish is gone, along with the hook. As he said, it’s the biggest fish he never caught. Later, we caught a rod in time to reel in the monster…. Turned out to be a giant sting ray. I named it blue balls… what a tease.

Day 4 fish count: 14 croakers, 2 sharks, 1 bluefish, 1 angelfish or something, and 1 set of blue balls.

So all in all, we caught a lot of fish. I would say that it was pretty damn productive, except when you consider that we had to drive about 900 miles round trip and spent more on bait than most people would spend to buy fish it was just a whole lot of fun (well, minus the third degree sunburn on my feet).

I know a promised pictures but that function is not cooperating so you'll just have to blame Blogger.

Gone fishin....

2006-08-02T13:21:00.000-04:00

I'm sure some of you were worried that I had "gone the way of the Vigen" and stopped posting. Mostly, I've just been lounging around the house and doing a lot of nothing. I'm on my way out to the Outer Banks to do some fishing with my dad and also BV is meeting us out there since he's at Nags Head with his family (we'll be down at Cape Hatteras). The fishing isn't great this time of year, but the beach is always a welcome getaway.... expect pictures when I return.

Facebook... Oh how I hate to love thee

2006-07-28T11:21:00.000-04:00

A while ago I ranted about how people were abusing their updated status changes here. I decided to respond via their poison, of course. This is my current "status" on Facebook: Chris is getting sick of status updates detailing the minutiae of everyday life. Yes, I recognized the delicious irony in all of that.

Also, if you're going to send me a mass mailing to try to get me to earn you $50 dollars via an online poker referral, it would help if you didn't look like a total douche.

Now, I'm just a legal rookie at the moment but I'm assuming that if you post your picture in the public domain it's cool if I reuse it. If it's not, I'll let the experts speak up. Until then, please enjoy, point, laugh and if you really want you can add him as your friend!

Today is also my last day at work and it will feel oh so very good to hand in my keys to our office manager. Even though now I will lose access to all the SuperSecret rooms in the Nanocenter, it is a tradeoff I am willing to make.

And on one final note, friends don't let friends watch M. Night Shyamalan movies. I did find his self-casting as the savior of humynkind to be particularly humble, though.

More office tricks

2006-07-26T11:09:00.000-04:00

This is a pretty standard conversation from my office that happened today.

DB: I need you to find me a directory of political communication theorists by academic rank.
Me: What did you just say?
DB: You never listen to me.
Me: I can repeat what you said verbatim. I just have NO idea what you want me to do.
DB: Just do it.

I guess I’m getting ready for firm life as an associate bitch, because this is pretty much what I do and deal with every day.

A poll for the "Gift and Curse Nation?"

2006-07-24T14:10:00.000-04:00

My friend PK, the same one who was complaining about my lack of sexual exploits on the blog, recently had this story to share. He swears up and down that it's a great story, and that I (and BV) wouldn't know a great and hilarious story if it bit us in the ass. Let me summarize: On Thursday night he went out to a bar and kissed a 35-year old divorcee.....

[crickets chirping....]

That's it.... that's the end of the story. Nothing more. Here was my translation of the events: I went out drinking on Thursday and kissed this older woman with no self-esteem who would have tripped over herself to make herself available to any man 12 years her junior that feigned even the slightest amount of interest.

Upon sharing this with PK, his only reaction was: "But she was hot." (Although BV later informed me that PK admitted he would never sleep with this woman because she was "too old." So I think that really says something.)

I'm going to open this up to public opinion. Do you think this was hilarious, or just a mundane night out at the bars? Let us all know.

A case of confused identities

2006-07-20T21:23:00.000-04:00

I've seen this car outside of work before and it always has me perplexed. On one side, it has a sticker that says "Thank God I'm Armenian!" At first, when I walked up to the car on that side my first thought was, "Why?" Because the Turks tried to kill all of you off in an attempted genocide? That's about the only thing I know about Armenians... and while surviving is something to be proud of, being on the receiving end of an attempted genocide is not. So, then I thought, maybe this is just one of those people that hates America and is glad that, while they live here, they aren't from here. Fair enough.... but as I walk around to the back of the car, it has a bumper sticker that says "Proud to be an American!" Either they are seriously confused about their national identity, or they have dyslexia and some serious spelling issues.

Journalistic Integrity and Me

2006-07-18T11:18:00.000-04:00

After the last story, some people have decided to attack my integrity as a blog-writer (namely Rochelle in the comments, but another friend also IMed me to ask about the “truthiness” of the story). It’s not like I write for the New York Times. I just can’t go about fabricating stories and interviews for a few years and expect to get away with it…. Oh wait, that did happen… well, regardless the story about the parking yesterday is about 95% accurate. In the interest of being honest, I will reveal one detail that I left out that makes the story less entertaining.

The spot the guy was parked in is actually a reserved spot. Normally there is a sign there that says, Reserved Parking: Towing Enforced and then has the guy’s spot number (which is something like 58) on the sign. But, that sign has been knocked down and laying in the grassy median for the last two-three weeks. Luckily I remembered that spot as reserved because I almost parked there one day… but this guy in the Toyota was not so fortunate. So, to clarify it’s not like they created it as a reserve spot, but they did “re-erect” the sign while a car was parked there, ticketed it, and then towed it away in a matter of 15 minutes. True story.

Columbia is a dream-world

2006-07-17T19:21:00.000-04:00

I don't want you to get the wrong impression by the title of this post. By dream-world I mean, sometimes I see things happening and I'm not sure if it can be real, and not in a good way either. Let me briefly summarize a few parts of my day.

One of my jobs today was to put together a working budget for a documentary on nanotechnology. I have very little experience assembling budgets and less experience with movies, outside of a film class I took once in college and an amateur film that me and a few bud.... I mean, nevermind. Think of a monkey throwing darts at a newspaper to pick stocks, and that is basically what I did today.

That doesn't even compare though to how USC Parking operates. Here is a play by play of some events that took place outside of my window today.

1. Professor pulls up and cannot find parking in lot.
2. Calls USC parking.
3. 5 minutes later, USC Parking arrives with their employee in a truck and an accompanying tow truck.
4. Pull out new sign that reads "Reserved Spot : Towing Enforced."
5. Dig hole in ground in front of a random car; plant new sign.
6. Write ticket for violating the "parking in a reserved spot rule."
7. Decide that is worth towing the car for....
8. Remove car from said spot with aforementioned tow truck.
9. Wave professor into newly open spot.

Keep that in mind next time you park in the H Lot at the intersection of Greene and Senate ;).

An Inconvenient Truth

2006-07-16T21:03:00.000-04:00

I went to go see this movie this weekend with SD and, like many other reviews of the movie, found it pretty enjoyable, especially considering it's a glorified PowerPoint presentation turned into a movie. At the end of the movie though, intercut with the credits, are all these suggestions that should help you reduce your personal pollution output. As I looked around the theater, I noticed that no one was leaving, like they were all intent on memorizing these recommendations. I really wasn't interested in that... to be honest, I just came to be entertained. So, as SD and I got up to leave (feeling almost guilty) mind you, everyone else got up with us. It's like when a professor is drowning on and on at the end of class and no one wants to be the first to leave, but once that seal is popped you can't stop the flood.

On another note, I'm really happy at the extensive study abroad programs that our school offers. This is not because I ever got to participate, but doesn't it seem like all the people you don't like and don't want to see are the ones who are always gone? For such douches they are very considerate of my needs.

Check out my package....

2006-07-12T13:57:00.000-04:00

That's what I did this morning, proved frat-boy wrong. Fortunately for me, the one competent guy appeared to be working this morning as he found my package pretty quicly. Also, I went by the office as soon as they opened so I doubt UPS delivered it in the AM. Oh, and when I had to sign my name on the delivery sheet, the information was entered in on the 11th which was, you guessed it, yesterfuckingday.

On another angsty note, I think the reason that South Carolina is stuck in the second-tier of undergraduate schools is because they try to be. I'm convinced that they are attempting to keep me from law school and instead relegate me to some shit-hole job at the shit-hole job at the COMA. When I was applying to Duke I ended up getting waitlisted and, cocky or not, was kind of shocked since my numbers were above average from them. The only complication in my application process was that they said they did not receive my Dean's Certification form from USC. This happened in like December or January. So, I went to the Office of Student Judicial Affairs and gave them the forms and had them send another one.... fast forward to a week after graduation. I'm at the Outer Banks with some friends and I get a call from the Admissions Director at Duke saying that I'm at the top of their waitlist, they'd like to let me in, but they are still waiting on my Dean's Certification from USC. Well fuck me... I will accept some responsibility for that one since I should have followed up on it, but still.... they were 0 for 2 in that department.

So, here we are this summer and I have to send in a number of forms to NYU to ensure my enrollment.... including one that requires who but the Office of Stupid JackAsses to fill out. This time, I carefully and polite explain to them that this is urgent and they have failed me in the past. They assure me it won't happen, they understand its importance blah blah blah. Three weeks go by. I start thinking to myself, "Chris you should try being professionally good-looking... wait, concentrate now! Isn't there something you should follow up on? Ohhhhh, that's right." I call up NYU and of course, the lady that answers the phone tells me that they don't have it but that they are kind of backlogged and that it is possible that it was sent but they just haven't entered it into the system yet. Plausible, certainly. But knowing USC, I was not going to take my chances. I say, "That could be it, but my undergrad school screwed me in the application process by not sending some forms along so it's probably equally likely that they forgot this one." She tells me she will go look in their "to be filed" files. Is it there? If you guessed that it was.... well you are probably a moron and I won't be seeing you at law school. Being seriously pissed, I printed off another copy of this form, brought it over to the Office and explained the situation one more time. At first I felt bad that I was being such a dick to this girl (because she definitely was not the one that I left it with) but she made a crucial mistake about halfway through our conversation when she said, "Oh, I remember seeing this file and I thought we sent it out ...." So, I assume she had a least some (ir)responsibility in its MIA status.

See, sometimes being me really is a gift and a curse. Actually, I don't where the gift part is so maybe a title change is in order.

College Park Communities: My own version of hell

2006-07-11T18:13:00.000-04:00

I used to like living in my apartment complex, well, for the most part. But halfway through the year, the ownership switched from Sterling University Housing (I think that was their name anyway) to College Park Communities. The management at CPC, for lack of better language, sucks ass. And not clean, tight ass either.... dirty, hairy, grundle-infested ass. Here are a few examples.

They cannot stay on top of a few of the amenities that attracted people here. The security gates were always broken, so anyone could drive in. They stopped enforcing the parking decals, which means that residents often fought for spots. The pool was closed down inexplicably. And their mail system, was absolutely horrendous. More on that later. Yet, despite their inability to provided contracted services, they decide to send out a Hitler-esque move out letter, with ridiculous fines (such as a $100/hr late move-out fine). Quite audacious of them, if I do say so myself.

One of the features of the apartment is that our room is given a $120 electricity/utility bill credit per month, and whatever excess is incurred is charged to the four roommates. Well, under Sterling we would get a notice once a month to tell us what the excess was. Only ONCE did we go over, and it was for some ridiculous amount where each of us ended up owing $.23, so overuse of electricity was not a big concern in #1014. So, when I had gone the last 6 months without getting a notice of high utility bills I figured we were fine. Ohhhhhh noooooo. They decided to only bill us in increments of 3 months, so today I come home to a $50 bill for months February - May in excess charges. Absolute horseshit. Had they maintained a regular pace in notification, then I could have made adjustments accordingly. Instead, we were probably being more frivolous with the A/C thinking we had not been using up all of our credit. Also, I have a bad feeling that, because two of my roommates sublet for the summer, they weren't included in this charge and it was probably only divided up amongst two of us. Even for three months I have a hard time believing that we ran up $200 in superfluous utilities.

And finally, the epitome of idiotic bureaucracy that is the mail room. To put it concisely, they are awful. Wretched, putrid... they stink like my bathroom after a night of bad Mexican food, cheap beer, and the runs. It is enough to make you want to vomit. A package from my home (which is an hour and a half drive away) took almost three weeks to get to me. My roommate got a Valentine's Day package sent from home IN THE SUMMER. They lose packages like they get paid for it, which considering how the management operates for this company, they probably do. Maybe it's a bonus structured into their contract..... Anyway, I come home today and there is a notice on my door that UPS had tried to deliver a package to the apartment, but since no one was home they left it at the office. No big deal there, pretty standard operating procedure. So I go up to the office, present them with my neat little slip, tell them my apartment number and he goes back to the store room to look around for a bit. He comes back out after a few mintes and hands me back the slip.

"Yeah, this slip usually means that they're going to deliver it tomorrow."

[points at the slip] "Then why does it say that they tried to deliver it to my apartment, but because I was not home they left it at the office."

"I don't know man, it's kind of weird sometimes."

"That makes no sense. There is an option on the slip [points again] right here that says, 'will attempt to deliver again tomorrow.' If that was the case, why wouldn't they mark that?"

"Yeah, I don't really know... just come back tomorrow. All I know is that usually when they leave that, it really means they drop it off the next day."

(thinking to myself that maybe this frat boy's Croakies are on a little too tight preventing proper blood circulation from reaching his brain) "If that's the case, then why did you even go back there to look? If you knew that this slip meant it would show up tomorrow, why didn't you just tell me straight up to come back tomorrow and that's what the slip meant. Obviously you thought it had been delivered.... plus, I get packages from this company and UPS all the time (I'm a repeat orderer, probably 6-8 packages over the year) and never once when it has said 'delivered to office' did that mean 'haha, just kidding, try again later.'"

"Just try it tomorrow."

Thanks, douchebag. Speaking of, I come home and just out of curiosity decide to check the UPS tracking number giving the guy SOME benefit of the doubt. After all, he did have a nice cotton polo shirt, with a name tag that even had "Matt" scribbled in Sharpie marker on it. If that doesn't say authority, I don't know what does... Anyway, I check and sure enough UPS says that the package has been delivered. It even says that someone named Bright signed for it... so I'm calling bullshit Mr. Matt. Either that or UPS is just lying to me because I know that no one is bright in that office.

The end of football, I mean soccer, but their football...

2006-07-11T10:19:00.000-04:00

With the end of the World Cup come a few thoughts for me on the whole event. Well, not the whole event, but some stuff that happened at the end.

Everyone is all up in arms about this headbutt that Zidane through in the World Cup… I thought it was a pretty flagrant foul, but other than that, who gives a shit, honestly? For one, who throws a headbutt to someone’s chest? Sure the guy fell to the ground, but we all know soccer players are a bunch of floppers (more on that later). If you’re gonna do something that will get you ejected, especially in a Cup f’in Final, at least make it worth it. Headbutt him in the face, break his nose, or something…. That’s the only reason I think that the move was idiotic, poor return on his investment. Also, there is all this speculation on what caused Zidane to headbutt the guy…. Some papers have gone as far as to hire lip readers to determine what he said to him prior ot the headbutt, most of them agreeing it was something along the lines of him being a “son of a terrorist whore.” There is shit-talking in all of sports (raindrops! Count it!) and I’m sure Zidane (as a French, frog-loving surrender monkey) has heard it often. I like the latest theory that I heard on SportsCenter this morning: that the Italian guy was caught twisting his nipple earlier in the match. That’s the kind of homoeroticism that needs to be brought back to international sports!

Also, either soccer players are the biggest pansies in the world or they are, in the words of Young Jeezy, actors like Patrick Swayze. These guys dive more than Jacques Cousteau, I don’t know how they do it without scuba tanks. They need to revamp the rules, because when that guy took a dive during the French/Italy match and got a penalty kick, who took it but Zidane, a well-known BEAST at penalty kicks (let’s be honest, he’s no Beckham though). That never happens in other sports. If you foul Shaq, I don’t get to call Dwayne Wade off the bench to shoot for him. Otherwise, you might as well have professional divers. I think that’s my ticket to the World Cup, perfect the art of the dive… then I get our team a penalty kick, and BRING ON THE RINGER! Look for me in South Africa in 2010.

Bears! Eek!

2006-07-09T13:34:00.000-04:00

The_bears_are_out_of_control. First our beer and pizza, what's next? Our women and our children? Someone needs to put a stop to this. Colbert is just too ahead of his time.

SuperMario

2006-07-07T13:09:00.000-04:00

Back in the day I used to rule Super Mario Smash Brothers with an iron fist, as Mario no less. Now, my thumb gets blistered playing EA Sports Fight Night 2. In memory of those fun video gaming days, and because every child of the 80s should have a fondness in their heart for Mario, I bring you these videos.

Real Live Mario
Mario: The Soundtrack

Enjoy.

In the words of LawMommy, Google me

2006-07-06T16:16:00.000-04:00

Another fellow blawger (although I probably shouldn't call myself a blawger, since I haven't even started law school yet and hardly ever write about anything substantial), LawMommy , recently had a post about someone stumbling across her site with an interesting search. I thought I would share my similiar experience.

My site ranks #10 on Google if you search for "Jeff Fisher EA Sports Commercial." Random, and cool.

Also, someone from Greenville, South Carolina searched for "Chris Dickson NYU blog." Don't think I don't know who you are.... except that I don't, although it would be a lot scarier if I did, wouldn't it?

Heard Around the Office

2006-07-05T11:39:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm back from my rafting trip and I'll have an entry dedicated to that as soon as I assemble a story of all the random occurences which happen when you get my family together in the mountains with boatloads of alcohol. Also, my sister has some funny pictures and video that might make for good entertainment, though not suitable for children.

Today I'm walking down the halls of the office when I overhear this woman having a conversation with a friend. The part I heard when something like this:

Yeah, I was doing that alcohol and drug thing for a while but I'm off that now. I've moved on to the part of my life that I call "therapy mode."

Fantastic. I hope she's the one that's controlling the scanning electron microscope we have. Nothing like having an AA-stoner in charge of our multi-million dollar equipment. Actually let's be honest, I didn't pay for it so....

Dance puppet, dance!

2006-06-29T10:32:00.000-04:00

Recently I had a request that I make my blog more entertaining. My friend, PK, who by his own self-acclaim is an expert comedian and he suggested that I fill my blog with more sexual exploits, since the readers love that stuff. I have two problems with this. One, he obviously has no idea how boring my weeks are. I come into this office for 8 hours, then I leave and go to the gym, and then I go home and try to find a way to waste time until the next work day comes around. Columbia in the summer is a ghost town, and besides the occasional trivia night, boxing, or live jazz at the Speakeasy, life is slow. Secondly, if I start writing about my sexual exploits, and those participating in them find the blog, they are less likely to continue.... so for now I'd rather kiss and not tell.

BUT.... hope is not lost. PK suggested if I wasn't willing to do that, that I should reference HIS sexual exploits, of which there are plenty. But most of them are old news and I'd like to hear some new material. So, in essence I'm issuing an 'open dick call' for PK. Now the pressure is on you my friend. Everyone out there is going to be anxiously awaiting your new stories, and you have to perform. End of story.

I'm gonna be away for a few days. My dad is having his 50th birthday this weekend and we're going whitewater rafting for a couple of days. Don't miss me too much. I'll probably return with lots of pictures and jokes about what happens in the woods of West Virginia. Please cue the banjo music from Deliverance.

A memo to Columbia drivers

2006-06-26T10:29:00.000-04:00

I know many of you are too ignorant to notice things happening around you, so for those of you that are afflicted with this problem but remain literate, here's a list of suggestions. I realize that this probably applies to a small demographic; those who are dumb enough to drive this idiotically yet smart enough to find my blog and read it are bound to be a tiny minority in Columbia.

1. Please learn how to merge onto the interstate. The Harbison exit off of I-126 is less than 10 miles from my apartment. It should never take me more than ONE HOUR to get there as it did this last Friday unless there is a multi-vehicle accident in which many people die, and/or children are paralyzed. Nope, this weekend, no traffic accidents, no road construction, no bright and shiny objects on the side of the road, but traffic was at a standstill. This is unacceptable. I like the South because it isn't congested. I shouldn't have to deal with traffic like the 405 without all the benefits of Los Angeles. I take subpar entertainment because there is no traffic. If this keeps up, I'm not coming back.

2. If there is a dedicated turn lane, please use it. Do not stop in the one lane of flowing traffic with your turn signal on, causing me to scream, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID DRIPPING CUNT, MOVE OVER INTO THE TURN LANE!" It's just embarrassing for everyone involved. In my defense, this was after it took me an hour to travel 8.6 miles and any additional delays were really pissing me off. Also, my windows were down so I'm not sure she heard me, though she did make a half assed attempt to get in the turn lane but still kept blocking traffic. This only enraged me further. I'm glad they have a waiting period on handgun purchases. Thank you, Brady Bill!

3. If you are travelling on a two-lane interstate and there is a long convoy of Army vehicles travelling at 55 mph in the right hand lane, you should be required by law to put down your AARP card and hit the accelerator on that Lincoln Continental and pass them. I know this is a phenomenon that happens when State Troopers are on the road and no one wants to pass them, but the Army is not going it to issue you a moving violation. Next time you slow me down like that, they will, however, issue me an M-16 and I may be forced to shoot you. I'm pretty sure that "giving fair warning" is all that is needed to absolve me of any legal liabilities down here in the South.

Summer Reading

2006-06-26T10:09:00.000-04:00

In the attempt to get prepared for law school (and to fill all my spare time ) I've picked up reading again. Well, I guess I shouldn't phrase it in a manner to suggest that I may have forgotten how to read, although four years in South Carolina might do that to a person. So, here's what is on the current list.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell - Tucker_Max
Law School Confidential - Robert Miller
Peace Kills : America's New Imperialism - PJ O'Rourke.

Really, the only reason I bought all these books was because I was damned if I was going to pay shipping from Amazon! I went to their site with the intention of just buying Max's book because he has helped me get through a lot of boring ass days at work. It was only 9.95, so a relatively inexpensive buy, but shipping was going to be like six bucks.... so then I noticed Amazon's ever-running "buy 25 dollars of books and get free shipping special." So instead, I spent 26 more dollars so I could save six. And that is why I stopped doing math after high school.

On a related pop culture note, Jay-Z has decided to boycott Cristal from both his personal life and his 40/40 clubs. So, to stand in solidarity with my favorite hip-hop artist of all time, I'm no longer drinking Cristal either. Sorry Roederer.

World Cup Fever... no seriously, I'm sick

2006-06-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year… but the real important question is, how thick was it? Enough pirated Colbert material.

Today I went into work late so that I could catch the US World Cup match against Ghana, and once I realized that I was essentially paying 35 dollars to watch the match I felt like an idiot. Due to other things, mostly work… I haven’t been able to see a single US soccer match at the World Cup. I had a conversation with B and I’m beginning to think there is some sort of conspiracy against the US in international soccer matches. Granted, I haven’t played competitive soccer in ten years, but even us middle schoolers got away with more contact than the bullshit penalty kick call on the United States. Then, look at the seeding. We got a terrible group match (with Italy, Czech Republic, and Ghana) when we probably should have deserved a #1 seed. 8 were given out, the remainder of each group was decided by lottery. Mexico was one of the teams that got a 1 seed, and we proved we were better in the regional qualifying and were ranked 5th in the world; they are barely in the top 20!

The funny thing is, in most international sports we tend to presume we are just better than everyone else (which is true). Well, not really… we just assume that we should beat everyone at basketball, and for that arrogance, I think we deserve to lose… and since the Dream Team and their sequel, we haven’t done that well in international competitions. But that isn’t even the case in soccer! We acknowledge we aren’t on the same footing with the European teams, and apparently, they need to make sure we stay unequal with calls my Mom could make. These refs must have rug burns on their knees with how they were blowing the game… I mean, they were really getting into it. Also, it seems like the grass was in pretty poor condition for the World Cup… a number of players kept slipping and falling inside the box, which is a rarity (at least, when they weren’t being pushed from behind).

It’s stuff like this that will probably prevent America from really getting behind the national team… I mean, look at Ghana. That country can barely afford to pay its players (they are probably paying their salaries out of an IMF aid package) but its government made today a half-work day/national holiday, and also shut down some of its mines in order to conserve electricity for all the TVs to show the game! That is serious dedication. Meanwhile, when ESPN cuts to a shot of our fans they all tend to be really young, too full of idealism to listen to the adults who don’t understand soccer. Really, it’s one of the greatest games, mainly because it leaves your hands free for obscene gestures. And if that doesn’t do it for you, I’ve got one word for ya: hooliganism.

Go Canes!

2006-06-21T11:15:00.000-04:00

I don’t pretend that this blog entry is going to be witty or anything, so don’t get your hopes up. I just wanted to get down this prediction so I can put it on my resume for when I apply to replace Ms. Cleo, since I think I’m set to become the next big and famous black Jamaican woman. So, as many probably know the Carolina Hurricanes just won the Stanley Cup, the first time any professional sports team from the Carolinas has done anything significant (and probably the only time that Tar Heel/Blue Devil fans rooted together). Now, I don’t know what anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line is doing beating Canadians at their own game, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Point is, last time Carolina made it to the Stanley Cup I was a senior in high school (back in ’02). This year, I had just graduated college…. So, I’m telling you, in ’09 (my estimated graduation year for law school) we will repeat as champions, this time in 6 games or less. Count it.

Also, my new fascination is hand-free peeing. I wish there was more to do in the bathroom because I feel like I have three arms when I do it. Oh the freedom! I could be so much more productive now…. Maybe next time I will take a notepad and pen with me to try to take notes while I’m pissing. And if that makes the guy from me uncomfortable, or look over at me funny, maybe I will draw a picture… that will make him feel much better ;).

I'm so glad I'm not grown up yet.....

2006-06-20T18:17:00.000-04:00

While some of my friends are involved in serious job searches, I get to do what I've done for the last two summers now and wait for law school to start... and that makes me smile. For one, I'm excited to get out of the south and two, job opportunities coming out of USC suck. I was a McNair Scholar at USC which you think would get me somewhere. Nope! Yesterday I received an email from the Honors College which was forwarded to all of the McNair/Carolina Scholars about a job opening as a marketing and public relations assistant at the Columbia Museum of Art, or as I now call it, CoMA. The starting salary: 21k/year. I think I could make that much donating my semen, which is probably in high demand, and plasma for a year. Although that might be more stimulating than this job... just for shits and giggles I opened up the attachment which listed the job description. One of the described duties was "making sure the brochures are stocked in the lobby." Whew, good thing I went to college for that one! And the sad thing is, these are jobs being offered to what are supposed to be the brightest minds at South Carolina! That really makes me either a/worried for the rest of our graduating class or b/wonder why the hell the Honors College is forwarding this information onto us. Bye bye southern bureaucracy, hello NYC!

Creatures of habit

2006-06-20T09:17:00.000-04:00

I decided to switch up my morning routine today and it really threw me off. Big mistake. Unless that is, of course, instead of coffee I was feeling the urge for a boiling pot of hot water. Yup, that's right, I decided not only to start the coffeemaker without any coffee beans in it, I also let it finish. [Maybe I didn't want to give Mr. Coffee blue balls.... I thought that was just common courtesy].

I don't know if you've seen it, but I'm loving this new EA Sports commercial for their new football game... well, it's not really a game per se, since your job is to manage the team, but the commercial is pretty funny. It's this guy and Jeff Fisher, coach of the Tennessee Titans on the sideline.

Guy: Run the fake punt.
JF: No.
Guy: Come on, run the fake punt. It'll work!
JF: No, it's a bad idea!
Guy: You know what was a bad idea? You letting Eddie George go.... Now go get some water.

That commercial just cracks me up, though that could be what happens when I get four cups of boiling water in my system...

Before and After: The story of my life and my law school personal statement

2006-06-19T22:17:00.000-04:00

Most of my childhood and up until my freshman year of college was spent being fairly overweight. My freshman year, I met my future best friend Z who also had similiar weight issues. We busted our asses and between the two of us lost close to 100 pounds. Our debate coach DB even made a joke that we should do a before and after poster with some subtitle that says, "Look what Carolina Debate can do for you!"

It really is quite amazing how different people treat you just because of how you look. Renee Zwellwegger, when she gained all that weight for Bridget Jones Diary talked about it in one interview, noting that when she was overweight people never held open doors for her or anything like that. And it's true, but a world that most people won't ever know without being overweight.

I'm on the left in both pictures, so there is the before and after... except after and before. You get the point.

Anyway, when it came to writing my law school personal statement I couldn't think of anything to write about... Diversity? Challenges? I was a white, suburban male from a middle-upper class family, so it was hard to fulfill some of the expectations set forth by the applications. For a while, I thought about the sarcastic approach but realized while it might be entertaining for the first 50 words or so, the adcomms would probably just figure me for a pompous ass after that, which may not have been the worst character call in the world, but I digress. So, I decided to write on what it was like to grow up overweight. After a lot of thinking, I decided to post my personal statement on the web. Some people are overly protective of their writing, or embarrassed to put such things up for public ridicule... but I know that I would have liked to read some personal statements to get a feel for them before the application process, so if it helps anyone or makes anyone think a little, I guess it's worth it.

As a disclaimer, I'm sure this thing is riddled with errors. For one, I have never been one for extensive editing of these papers, maybe because of my success with my undergrad applications that I really didn't put too much effort in, but also because it is a personal statement, not some research paper. The errors give it some character and, if there are grammatical errors, I'm sure it helps maintain the narrative sense of the statement instead of making it overly formal. I also have not even looked at this since I sent in my applications so who knows what it even looks like. So without any further ado....

My life has often seemed like a fairy tale. Unfortunately, this Brother Grimm has often felt less like Prince Charming, and more like an ugly duckling. Most of my high school years, and even a portion of college, were spent being obese. At 6 feet tall and 240 pounds, I was hardly a spectacle of physical fitness. This is not an essay designed to elicit sympathy. Rather, it is intended to detail the circumstances surrounding my childhood and adolescence.

Many law school applications ask you to write an essay detailing how you can add to the diversity of their incoming class. As examples, distinctions of class, race, socioeconomic status, and nationality are often listed. Obesity, or harsher still, unattractiveness, to my knowledge, never appears as a categorical distinction on any law school application Yet, I can think of no other factor which has shaped my social interactions to a greater degree than my struggle with my weight.

The specter of obesity has loomed large. From as early as second grade I can remember being pelted with nicknames of “fatty,” “chubs,” and the extreme “Shamu the Killer Whale.” Even on a retreat with a church group, the same members that preached “love thy neighbor,” were ironically not hesitant to hurl insults. For a while, my situation seemed both dire and hopeless. Trying to change my personality to suit what I thought was popular was both fruitless and depressing. Even to a young mind, the idea of sacrificing my identity for the sake of popularity was unfathomable.

Dieting did nothing to change the attitudes of those whom I called my peers. In tenth grade, I started attending Weight Watchers with my mom and managed to lose almost thirty-five pounds. However, the change in my physical appearance was not enough to outweigh the memories of my former self in both the eyes of my peers and myself. The frustration of four months of hard work combined with still being cast as a social pariah was enough to cause me to regain the weight.

Attending college at the University of South Carolina provided a fresh start for me. Since the school was sparsely attended by anyone from my high school, there were few people who had a memory of an overweight Chris ingrained in their heads. A friendly wager from my freshman-year roommate was all the motivation I needed to begin my transformation. After six months of a stringent diet and frequent exercise, I had lost almost fifty-five pounds. While the change was not drastic enough to land a Subway commercial deal, my life has never been the same since. Though I would never consider myself to be a “meathead,” my daily trips to the gym are my release; it is a time to be free from the demands of a full class load combined with a competitive collegiate debate schedule.

The only holdover from those days is a nickname that I have carried since my freshman year of high school. These days the moniker has become shortened to reflect my smaller size. Formerly “Big Hoss,” the name serves as a light reminder of my past, a culmination of events and relationships that have shaped who I am as a person today. Simultaneously, it strikes a chord within me that appearances are only skin-deep, and a cursory glance at a person is never adequate to judge the true measure of their character. To dismiss someone based solely on a vain and arbitrary factor is not only mean-spirited, but denies them of the very thing that makes them human. This lesson has taken me nearly twenty-one years to fully appreciate, and one I find far more valuable than anything a book or a lecture can teach. These life experiences have enabled me to approach anything as a blank slate, tabular rasa. All too often, predispositions blind us from seeing the truth that stands directly before us, a lesson that is equally applicable to treatment of others or a new learning endeavor.

It's the little things that make me smile...

2006-06-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

Here are a few things that have made me happy lately:
1. Little_Tortfeasor linked me on her site and she's almost as entertaining as I am. ALMOST ;) So she gets a shout-out in the links section now, check her out.

2. There is some girl who is a student at South Carolina who is probably spoiled... just my assumption, since she drives a fairly new Mercedes convertible with a custom license plate. It reads "DOLCE." Whenever I drive my car by it, my rumbling exhaust sets off her car alarm. Totally faced.

3. Another comment from one of my fans: "Your cousin's blog centers around self-perception and praise to a higher being, Chris's blog centers around the akward moments of silence when taking a dump in a public restroom yet I still have more respect for chris' writing." These are the kind of people that I want reading my blog.... and also probably the only people that enjoy it.

The Devolution of Rap

2006-06-19T11:32:00.000-04:00

What has the rap world been coming to? To me, I really enjoy rap that tells a story to some degree or another instead of just talking about how much bling they own, weight they've moved, hoe's they fucked and so on and so forth. This is probably why I enjoy listening to a lot of the battle raps that have caused controversy in the hip-hop world, mostly the Jay-Z and Nas beef. Trading blows on Takeover and Ether, it's almost inspiring and certainly hilarious, to listen to them shit on each other… No one really does that anymore…. Oh, except for Bow Wow and Lil Romeo. When Bow Wow's "Fresh Azimiz" song first came out, I was feeling the beat but wasn't sure that Bow Wow was accomplished enough to talk so much shit. Plus, some of it wasn't even good shit-talking. "I'm 18 and I'm making more than your dad." I'm not impressed by that. My dad works for the government, I know 15 year old Thai sex slaves that make more than him.

Then I found out the song was directed at Lil Romeo because of something he said…. "What?" This kid's career role is basically "to be Master P's son." That's it… oh, and an appearance on Dancing With the Stars that he had to back out of because of an ankle injury. What gives him the right to talk any shit, especially to Bow Wow (who has dropped the Lil moniker because you know, he's practically 12 now). "Oh, I got my driver's permit, what now niggah! In between the hours of 6 AM – 9 PM and provided I have a legal guardian in the car with me I'm gonna roll on your ass." Give me a break.

I call it, "Tricks Around the Office"

2006-06-19T11:05:00.000-04:00

For those of you Arrested Development fans out there, that's an allusion. Not to Poe, though.

When I started this blog, it was almost my intention to dedicate the blog to my research in nanotechnology and to keep everyone updated on what I was up to over the summer…. Then I realized that might bore you to tears, in addition to being a potential liability to my boss, so I decided otherwise. However, there are days when, at the very least, moderately entertaining things happen at our office. I will save my run-in with an incoming freshman who got lost for another time… or maybe just keep that private altogether. But, our office recently did get an invitation for a conference on Solid Waste. Yup, that's right. A poop party. I wanted to go because I figured the material for jokes would be endless…. That and it might bring new meaning to the word shitstorm.

Awkward Silences

2006-06-14T10:08:00.000-04:00

As far as I am concerned there are two types of very awkward silences, so awkward in fact, they may surpass in awkwardity* a silence following "I love you." Plus, you can always make that one entertaining. Just follow it up with, "That's okay. I gave you the clap anyway."

The first one is the notorious silence that follows me onto an elevator. You get on the elevator and it is dead quiet. You could cut the tension with a knife, or maybe even bludgeon it to death. Everyone stands around trying to avoid making eye contact with each other, or just staring up at the numbers on door overhang, hoping that their glaring stare will make their floor come faster. Trust me, it doesn't work. Of course, your other option is to try to make meaningless conversation but that's risky too. You really only have one shot at a quick and witty opener, and if you bomb, you just magnified the awkwardity* factor. I thought this was a fear that everyone shared, but apparently it's just me (or at the very least, a small portion of the population). I remember at NFL Nationals in 2002, I was in elimination rounds of impromptu and I got as my topic "Elevators." I could not wait to rant and rave about this very subject, but I didn't advance so I can only assume this was a foreign concept to the judges. Fuck them, they better not be caught alone in an elevator with me.

The second silence I hate is when you're in the bathroom and multiple people are taking a dump at once, though hopefully not in the same toilet. It's like everyone is waiting for some covering fire before they drop the bomb. Now, I'm not ashamed of making any guttural noises while dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool. My problem is I find them too funny, so if the bathroom is dead silent and I rip one or drop a watermelon in the bowl, I will probably fall off the toilet literally laughing my ass off. Trust me, it's happened. And while I like making a fool out of myself just as much as the next guy, it's just not productive. I'd rather make it a Navy SEAL operation. Bring some firecrackers and a smoke bomb in with me, and do my business under the cover of explosives.

On a similar note of bathroom antics... Is it wrong that whenever I see someone who is obviously a germaphobe or OCD about cleaning their hands in the bathroom that I make sure not to wash mine, and then make sure he notices that and that I am making no qualms about getting my germ infested hands all over the door handle? It's the little things that amuse me. One such character at work has turned into a Pavlov's dog of sorts. He has actually gone the extra step to get a paper towel as a protective insulator between his hand and the doorknob. Chris 1, stranger 0. I think if he starts wearing latex gloves, I'm gonna have to call it game, set, and match. By the way, for those of you who are concerned about such bathroom hygiene, I will let you in on my secret: I don't piss all over my hands.

*Word accredited to SD.

ESPN 8: "The Ocho"

2006-06-13T20:14:00.000-04:00

Now, as some of you may have noticed I have a fascination with poker. I, too, am one of the countless people who like to watch the World Series of Poker on ESPN. I will even watch episodes I've seen four to five times, ones where I can recount the hand history, betting action, everything. I know this isn't the most interesting thing to watch to most people, including most of my girlfriends (past and presnt) that I've forced to sit through said episodes. But I think it's exciting, and I like it, so that's all there is to it.

Even I, however, cannot come to grips with the new and exciting "sport" (and I most certainly use that term in the loosest sense possible) on ESPN2: The World Domino Championships. It doesn't help that I have no idea how to play dominoes competitively; I had to watch it for almost twenty minutes until I figured out you played on teams of 2. I would almost rather watch the PBA Tour on ESPN Classic than this show. I do not understand how it is entertaining to anyone. What is next, Scrabble? Monopoly? At least poker conjures up images of the Wild West, with gunslingers chasing shots of bourbon with women, where wagers were unlimited and property deeds were gambled with. Dominoes, on the other hand, makes me think of retirement homes, colostomy bags, and strokes. While I suppose this provides a very unique market to advertise to, I'm not sure what other purpose it serves.

On a side note, I am limping around today like one of the geezers that watches this Domino Championship. I slightly tore/severely strained my MCL while playing rugby in college and occasionally it acts up. I'm not sure if it's the weather (it has been very rainy these last few days in Columbia; it's the notorious 4 pm showers that occur daily), but even after a 10 minute bike warm-up and extensive stretching, just bending at the knees to get under the squat bar caused a pop in my left leg. Thinking maybe I needed to warm up, I went to the leg extension machine and couldn't even move 30 pounds. Certainly not promising. Maybe I should start practicing my dominoes, that is, if I can get a hand free from my walker.

My very own threatdown

2006-06-12T09:56:00.000-04:00

The first threat on our list, and ranked number five on my list today are Nalgene bottles. Touted for their supposed indestructability, mine broke today. That's right. I managed to break a Nalgene bottle! I'm torn between triumph and disappointment. Actually I can't even take credit for it. I put it on the dishwasher after someone suggested it wasn't "healthy" to drink from it for weeks on end without washing it. Well, the dishwasher took on Nalgene and won in a shutout (much like the Czechs whooping our ass, but that's another story for another time). Although I think I have solved the mystery. There is a heating coil in there that is used for the heating dry option, and I think it was touching part of that. Makes more sense than the alternative, which would be that the water got REALLY HOT.

The fourth threat: People who overabuse facebook's status update. I don't know what's going on here, but some people feel the need to update their facebook status every single minute. It drives me nuts, and quite frankly, it scares me. No, I did not need to know that "Bob is taking a shit right now, but will be back after he rubs one out." No thanks indeed.

Coming in at number three: Columbia weather. I woke up this morning and it was already 82 degrees out with 312% humidity. I think this is part of a grander conspiracy to get people to leave the South. Also, I think that's why Southern culture is a lot slower-paced than other places.... you just can't afford to move fast. Which is why we probably haven't gotten past the whole racism bit.

The number two threat: Bears. Always a perennial threat, I was shocked to see that these bears never rest. I would have thought that bears rested in the summer from frightening people, given how hot it is and their furry coats. But that's what the bears want me to think, and I was wrong.

And the number one threat, is the incoming freshman class. Freshman orientation has kicked off this week at the University of South Carolina, and I don't know if this is God (or perhaps my parole officer) playing a trick on me. Fortunately, most incoming freshman are at least 18 so I'm probably not interested. Just kidding. But seriously... why are all these people so insistent on walking around in large masses ever so slowly? Don't they know that I have places to go, people to see, jobs to complete? They should know that I have owned this campus for the last four years and get out of my way (or at least form a human walkway for my convenience).

American Culture is the ONLY culture

2006-06-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

For those of you that live under a rock, the World Cup is kicking off today. While I do enjoy watching any sport where nations compete, I won't lie and pretend that I'm a real soccer fan that follows Real Madrid or Barcelona when the World Cup isn't going on, but I do appreciate soccer as a sport. There are some sports that I like to play, but certainly don't follow much during the season. Actually, this is probably true for all sports except for football. See title for more information on that front ;). But, the World Cup is still pretty freakin' sweet and I would like to see America do well even though our group play pairing sucks and even if we advance, will likely have to face some very tough opponents.

That being said, I recognize that soccer has never really taken off that much here in the U.S. and maybe it never will. It seems like the general population is stuck in a mentality that refuses to embrace our national team, even after we made it to, I believe, the quarterfinals last year. In a way it reminds me of that new SportsCenter commercial with Neil Everett and some soccer player (see, I can tell you the name of the SportsCenter anchorman but can't recognize who I am pretty sure is a well-known soccer superstar. I do know that it was NOT Ronaldhino).

Neil: Well, you have football over there which is our soccer. But what do you call our football?
Soccer player: Football.
Neil: Why don't you change the name of it to soccer? That way you have your football which is our soccer, and your soccer which is our football. Then you'll be like us, except in reverse. It will help with the confusion.

On a similiar note, SportsCenter was doing their promotional piece for the World Cup today and their strategy (probably a marketing strategy, see my_earlier_post for how I feel about bad marketing) was to compare it to football. Our football, which is, their football too.... well, their other football. See, Neil was right; it is confusing. Anyway, they invite this lady on and ask her, "Who would you say is the Brett Favre of the World Cup?" "Who is the Kobe Bryant?" "Are there any Michael Jordan or Terrill Owens types?" Probably not, I doubt anyone else can produce a rap song as terrible as "I'm back." Although I was glad to hear that Terrill "got the recipe and now he's back in the kitchen." He is right, he did have me saying, "Wow, boy." Back to the point.... why can't the World Cup just be great in its own right? Why do we have to compare it to all of our other sports heroes? I think we have some inferiority complex where we fear not being the best... so when we get to sports where we are second best, or in this case 8th best (although I think we might have been ranked as high as 2nd or 3rd during the year) we have to remind everyone that we had outstanding athletes at these other sports too. It is intriguing.

On a side note, this lady they brought on the show was terrible. At the end they ask her, so who is your pick for the World Cup? Her response, "I'm going with an underdog, the Dutch. They have a really young team, kind of inexperienced, and their pool is really hard, but I'm going with them anyway." I'm not making this up, that is almost what she said verbatim. Now, maybe I'm old fashioned but I wouldn't mind hearing an explanation as to why a team that as all these odds against them would win the entire tournament, besides the fact that it might make a good Disney movie in a couple of years. People like her is the reason that Vegas makes money.

You missed me, didn't you?

2006-06-07T23:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the (what I consider) long absence from the blogging world. My last week was actually somewhat busy, both personally and at work and it has distracted from my blogging. That being said, here are a few thoughts that are on my mind.

I hate anyone who is a marketing major. Yes, I mean that sentence to have that sort of generic applicability. For one, poor marketing decisions doomed Arrested Development which I find to be one of the greatest sitcoms alive. But no, Fox decides to air When Good Pets Go Slightly Less Good 12 instead. As an example, the last four episodes of the season were aired against the Olympic games opening ceremony. Even I can tell you that is not a good decision, and I don't know shit about marketing. Now, poor marketing is threatening to ruin something else I love (though admittedly not as much as Arrested Development). "Daddy horny Michael!" The NHL. Now, I can't remember if I made this prediction last year or this year, but I said Carolina was going all the way to I.S. at one point while he staunchly defended the Avalanche. Point being, Carolina is in the finals and it started off as a great series. Cam Ward, the 'Canes rookie goaltender made phenomenal saves and Carolina rallied back from a 3-0 deficit to win the first game. Let me ask you this: Do you know what channel the Finals are being broadcast on? Probably not, because it is OLN. (I'll give ya a minute for the crickets to chirp). That's right, the network known for nothing, outside of potentially being the only channel to consistently air cycling. To give you an idea of how badly this has screwed the NHL, the first game was only watched in 600,000 households (mine being one of them). I'm sure that number means nothing in a vacuum, but more people watched the finals of the College Softball World Series. Nothing against women's sports, but that just does not compete with Sir Stanley. Our balls are certainly a little softer after that insult.

By the way, Hurricanes won 5-0 tonight. Stu Scott? BOO YAH!

As some of you may know, I had been cat sitting for a while. Well, unfortunately my new found friend had to leave. The initial owners failed to inform me that she had not been spayed and she was definitely in heat. Fortunately I called "not it" on having to satifsy her, but I'm not sure my roommates came through on that one. She would not stop meowing all through the night and I couldn't sleep. It was fun while it lasted Sasha!

On a more serious note I was kind of disturbed a conference call we had today at work. In my thesis I made the argument that groups like ICON would serve as a good method of CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility) for the nanotechnology industries. With a multitude of sponsors, they should not be afraid of taking responsible policy decisions because it won't cause them to lose their funding (among other arguments). So today, someone mentions that they need to consider "what policy boundaries we want to establish." Maybe it's not a big deal to you, but that really bothered me. He apparently didn't get his degree at "Gro Au Paire" U.

Do you ever have the urge to "make something official?"* I had one of those the other nights. In a $70 dollar pot in PLO, I was a 9:1 favorite to win the hand. I had Qh Qs 3c 4c v. Js 10s 8h 8d with all the money going into the pot on a board of Qc 8c 6h 2h. So, for you non-Omaha analysts out there I had the top set and the only available flush draw versus a lower set plus a gutshot. Translation, he could only catch a non-club 9 (like, perhaps the 9h) on the river to win. Which he did. So, I promptly decided to rebuy and donk off that money as well.

*This is a reference to Vince Vaughn in Old School when he gets the warning from the referee. He says, "You wanna make it official, let's make it official" and throws a chair at the guy. My friend Zach is also prone to this. He'll get busted in a pot, then rebuy for twice that much and proceed to raise and re-raise every pot until he's out of money. I promise it's more satisfying than you would initially think*

Welcome to June... with a hint of bitterness

2006-06-01T09:43:00.000-04:00

Last night was absolutely god-awful. So, my foster cat has apparently not been spayed and is in heat. Translation for you non-cat owners [so jealous of you people right now]: she is constantly meowing and scratching on things or rubbing up against them and knocking them over. How about a second level of translation, ie what does that mean for Chris? That means this is how Chris's sleep schedule went last night.

Step 1) attempt to fall asleep at 12:30.
Step 2) actually fall asleep somewhere closer to the neighborhood of 1:45.
Step 3) Wake up at 4:10 to the cat incessantly crying out for some kitty dick.
Step 4) Try to ignore and go back to sleep.
Step 5) Fail miserably.
Step 6) At approximately 4:40, give up and throw the cat in the bathroom hoping that the sounds will be insulated. Oh wait, I forgot. Our doors are actually hollow (true story).
Step 7) 5:15, fall asleep while attempting to smother myself. Seriously, think of a pillow sandwich with Chris's head in the middle. Admittedly, not the brightest idea.
Step 8) Wake up at 6:35 when the kitten decided to start rubbing my airhole... when stuck in a pillow sandwich, always keep your airways clear *note to cat*.
Step 9) Begrudingly get out of bed at 7:45. Ta dah!

Our dumpsters have pulled a GOB-like illusion. Seriously. Every dumpster in our apartment complex is gone. I doubt they sunk them with explosives, but honestly, how did I miss this? It's not like you can quietly drag one off in the middle of the night.

Rushing like Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan

2006-05-31T10:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I played two tournaments online: a no-limit hold 'em one and a pot-limit Omaha one. I was running pretty well in both, when the following hand came up in the PLO tournament.

Dealt to E-Donk [Jh 9d As Ad]
My-Hobby: folds
agenbite7: folds
ohmer77: calls 200
mezmereyes23: folds
E-Donk: raises 600 to 800
:() bsmith: folds
FREMINT: folds
purplepickle: calls 600
ohmer77: calls 600
*** FLOP *** [7s 5h Ah]

Just like EuroRounders, I flop top set. Now how to proceed? Since it was midway through the tournament, there are a lot of donks left who will put their money in with mediocre hands I decided to jam it.
purplepickle: bets 1200
ohmer77: calls 1200
E-Donk: raises 4830 to 6030 and is all-in
purplepickle: calls 4830
ohmer77: raises 5785 to 11815 and is all-in
purplepickle: calls 1195 and is all-in

Right now I'm wondering if someone is going to say, well that's okay E-Donk, because I have 8h-6h-4c-3c for a wrap straight draw and a flush draw, which is a favorite over your top set. Then I think about it and realize I'm not in a fucking move. Oh, and you'd have to be mentally challenged to call a raise at a full 9 person table to have a drawing hand that was a substantial favorite over mine. For once, I call the hands dead on - I think - flush draw and someone has a set of 7s, maybe 5s. Correct you are sir! I'm a 60% favorite to take down a 3 way pot and vault me into the top 5 in chips (I was 21/64 at that point).

*** TURN *** [7s 5h Ah] [8d]
*** RIVER *** [7s 5h Ah 8d] [3h]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
purplepickle: shows [5s 3s 5c Ac] (three of a kind, Fives)
ohmer77: shows [Kh Qh 8h Qs] (a flush, Ace high)
ohmer77 collected 2390 from side pot
E-Donk: shows [Jh 9d As Ad] (three of a kind, Aces)
ohmer77 collected 20590 from main pot.

Oh well, it wasn't to be. That's Omaha for you. Luckily the poker gods decided to reward me with UNREAL hands in the NLHE tournament for the first few hours. Here are some of my hands from the first 2 hours.

** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to E-Donk [Qh Qs]
TouchedSpoon: folds
kensky: calls 30
king possum: folds
killi: folds
-Not P-: raises 90 to 120
Roadraider: folds
E-Donk: calls 120
S SIZZLE: folds
462_Loader: folds
kensky: calls 90
*** FLOP *** [4h 4s Jc]
kensky: checks-Not P-: bets 210
E-Donk: raises 340 to 550
kensky: folds
-Not P-: raises 1450 to 2000 and is all-in
E-Donk: folds
-Not P- collected 1505 from pot
-Not P-: doesn't show hand

Sure I lost that pot, but I thought I could be behind. I was distracted with the PLO tourney and probably should have reraised preflop, oh well. But, to reward my patience that hand was IMMEDIATELY followed up with:

Dealt to E-Donk [Qd Qc]
kensky: folds
king possum: folds
killi: folds
-Not P-: folds
Roadraider: raises 60 to 90
E-Donk: raises 130 to 220
S SIZZLE: calls 220
462_Loader: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
Roadraider: folds
*** FLOP *** [4s 4c 6s]
E-Donk: bets 600
S SIZZLE: folds
E-Donk collected 575 from pot

Then the onslaught of premium hands began.

Dealt to E-Donk [Ad Ac]
E-Donk: raises 70 to 100
S SIZZLE: folds
Roadraider said, "yeah, got to love Omaha. All is up in the air tillthe river and everyone is always chasing..."
462_Loader: calls 100
E-Donk said, "true true"
TouchedSpoon: folds
kensky: folds
king possum: folds
killi: folds
-Not P-: calls 85
Roadraider: folds
*** FLOP *** [3d 5d Ts]
-Not P-: checks
E-Donk: bets 200
462_Loader: calls 200
-Not P-: folds
*** TURN *** [3d 5d Ts] [9c]
E-Donk: bets 500
462_Loader: folds
E-Donk collected 730 from pot
E-Donk: shows [Ad Ac] (a pair of Aces)

Dealt to E-Donk [Jh Js]
killi: calls
Not P-: folds
Roadraider: folds
E-Donk: raises 200 to 250
S SIZZLE: folds
S SIZZLE is sitting out
462_Loader: calls 250
TouchedSpoon: folds
kensky: folds
king possum: folds
killi: calls 200
*** FLOP *** [3s 2h 2d]
killi: bets 328 and is all-in
E-Donk: raises 328 to 656
462_Loader: calls 656
*** TURN *** [3s 2h 2d] [6d]
E-Donk: bets 500
462_Loader: folds
*** RIVER *** [3s 2h 2d 6d] [4h]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
E-Donk: shows [Jh Js] (two pair, Jacks and Deuces)

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to E-Donk [Kd Ks]
Roadraider: folds
E-Donk: raises 350 to 500
tatm2008: folds
462_Loader: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
kensky: raises 346 to 846 and is all-in
mbgolfer: folds
-Not P-: folds
E-Donk: calls 346
*** FLOP *** [Qs 2c 6h]
*** TURN *** [Qs 2c 6h] [3d]
*** RIVER *** [Qs 2c 6h 3d] [8d]
Roadraider said, "vn"
*** SHOW DOWN ***
E-Donk: shows [Kd Ks] (a pair of Kings)

Which was immediately followed by:

Dealt to E-Donk [Qs Qd]
E-Donk said, "they just don't respect my raises around here ;)"
E-Donk said, "let's try it again"
Bloomer is connected
E-Donk: raises 350 to 500
tatm2008: folds
462_Loader: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
tommy17: folds
mbgolfer: folds
-Not P-: calls 425
Roadraider: folds
*** FLOP *** [2h Kh 4d]
-Not P-: checks
E-Donk: bets 700
-Not P-: folds
E-Donk collected 1150 from pot
E-Donk: shows [Qs Qd] (a pair of Queens)

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to E-Donk [Jc Jd]
Bloomer: folds
mbgolfer: folds
-Not P-: folds
Roadraider: folds
E-Donk: raises 400 to 550
tatm2008: folds
462_Loader: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
tommy17: folds
E-Donk collected 375 from pot
E-Donk: doesn't show hand

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to E-Donk [Js Jd]
E-Donk said, "I need to keep playing everyhand"
tatm2008: folds
spiderwebbo: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
tommy17: raises 400 to 600
Bloomer: folds
jasken: folds
-Not P-: folds
Roadraider: folds
E-Donk: raises 700 to 1300
tommy17: raises 530 to 1830 and is all-in
E-Donk: calls 530
*** FLOP *** [4d 4s Kc]
*** TURN *** [4d 4s Kc] [7s]
*** RIVER *** [4d 4s Kc 7s] [Jh]
*** SHOW DOWN ***E-Donk: shows [Js Jd] (a full house, Jacks full of Fours)

*** FLOP *** [Th Jh 7h]
Roadraider: checks
E-Donk: checks
*** TURN *** [Th Jh 7h] [Ad]
Roadraider: checks
E-Donk: checks
*** RIVER *** [Th Jh 7h Ad] [Ah]
Roadraider: bets 400
E-Donk: raises 800 to 1200
Roadraider: calls 800
*** SHOW DOWN ***E-Donk: shows [Ac As] (four of a kind, Aces)

I thought my hand was pretty solid there ;).

The times I didn't play premium hands, I hit the flops tremendously well.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to E-Donk [9s 8s]
E-Donk: calls 100
tatm2008: folds
462_Loader: calls 100
TouchedSpoon: calls 100
kensky: calls 100
king possum: folds
mbgolfer: folds
E-Donk said, "family pot!"
-Not P-: folds
Roadraider: checks
*** FLOP *** [7d Ts Jc]
Roadraider: checks
E-Donk: checks
462_Loader: checks
TouchedSpoon: checks
kensky: checks
*** TURN *** [7d Ts Jc] [Kc]
Roadraider: checks
E-Donk: bets 350
462_Loader: folds
TouchedSpoon: calls 350
kensky: folds
Roadraider: folds
*** RIVER *** [7d Ts Jc Kc] [4h]
E-Donk: bets 450
TouchedSpoon: folds
E-Donk collected 1250 from pot
E-Donk: doesn't show hand

Dealt to E-Donk [7s 8s]
-Not P-: calls 150
Roadraider: folds
E-Donk: calls 150
tatm2008: calls 150
462_Loader: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
tommy17: folds
Bloomer: folds
mbgolfer: checks*** FLOP *** [9s 5d 6h]

So, even a monkey could play those hands. After that I went card dead for a while, but had a couple of well timed steals and marginal hands that took down pots. To my right was a big big stack that was bullying around the table, but he was doing so in a weak way. He would raise preflop and if someone called him, would bet the min [800 at that level] and everyone would always fold. Next time we were both in the blinds, I knew I was going to resteal. Just like preschool, sometimes you have to stand up to a bully.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to E-Donk [Jh 6d]
tatm2008: folds
spiderwebbo: folds
TouchedSpoon: folds
variety: folds
Bloomer: folds
Gator_Jordan: folds
buffett2: raises 800 to 1600
E-Donk: raises 1600 to 3200
buffett2: calls 1600

Nothing to worry about there, big stacks don't always give it up on a resteal or reraise of their steal attempt. After all, he was getting pretty big odds to make the call then, 4000 to 1600, or 2.5:1 I believe. That's fine, more chips for me later.

*** FLOP *** [Td 3c 2h]
buffett2: bets 800

This was the expected play from our villian, his typical standard bet although at this point it reaks of weakness, betting 800 into a 5,600 chip pot.

E-Donk: raises 2200 to 3000
buffett2: folds
E-Donk collected 8400 from pot
E-Donk: doesn't show hand

Anyway, the hands cooled down as we got down into the final four tables, especially a stretch where I ran into pocket Aces two hands in a row, including one hand where it was AA v. KK v. JJ and I had the JJ. I picked up tons of outs on a b oard of 8 9 10 3, but it was not to be. Finally, I ended up lowstacked, around 11,000 and it folded to me on the button wtih blinds of 2,000 and 4,000. I pushed with 10c-6s, and the small blind immediately called. All I was thinking is, please don't show me a dominated hand, just give me two live outs. Small blind turns over Ac-6d, and it game, set, and blouses for E-Donk.

Some Poker Humor

2006-05-30T19:57:00.000-04:00

I found this to be absolutely hilarious.

25 Fun Things to Do in a Cardroom
1. Exclaim "One Time!" for every card that's dealt to you, and again on every card on the board.
2. Call for the clock as soon as every single player's betting action begins.
3. Speak your inner monologue aloud while making your betting decisions. Be rude and offensive to people about their playing styles as if they can't hear you.
4. AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OY OY OY!!! Every. Single. Hand.
5. Show your cards with excited glee to the imaginary person next to you. Ask for advice.
6. Multi-table in a live casino.
7. When debating making an all-in call, count out your chips individually. Have trouble with the math. When the dealer tries to help, shoo their hand away, annoyed, and start over. (Guaranteed to pick up a tell.)
8. Wear huge headphones to the table. When someone attempts talking to you, talk in a very loud voice. When they ask you to remove your headphones, do so, and then continue to shout.
9. Wear a tuxedo and name tag to the casino. Ask everyone how their evening has been. Try and earn as many tips as possible before the staff catches on.
10. Stack up as many cushions as you can until you don't actually need a chair.
11. Bring a rack of $3 chips to a 4/8 game. (More plausible in an LA cardroom.)
12. Become extremely angry when told that the bad beat jackpot is not a straight beating two pair.
13. ...even if you use both hole cards.
14. Rebuy after every hand you lose, even if it was just a folded blind. Sigh heavily every time you reach for your wallet.
15. Announce every push as being an "Official 'Degree' All-in Moment".
16. Offer a burnt sacrifice to the poker gods before sitting at a table by setting a dollar bill on fire.
17. Loudly and publicly make an over/under bet with a friend on how many times you can ask for a new setup before everyone leaves the table.
18. Claim loudly that you own the copyright on the term "suckout". Demand royalties any time someone uses it, even at adjacent tables.
19. When you sit down for the first time and the dealer asks if you wish to post, study the table like deciding on how to play a tricky hand. Extra points for staring someone down.
20. Demand that you are able to speak to the elves in the auto-shuffling machine, so you can make sure they're not trying to cheat you.
21. When signing up on multiple waiting lists, use different initials for each list.
22. If having a bad run, ask the dealer if you can use the Orange or Turquoise deck from now on.
23. When a kill pot is announced, slap a pocketknife down on the table. Stare at the player with the kill button obsessively.
24. Put $2.47 behind.
25. If anyone uses the term "suicide kings", exclaim loudly "My father committed suicide." Allow the awkward silence to come over the table. Then begin to whistle showtunes and go back to the game.

Speaking of, I have a no-limit hold 'em and a pot-limit Omaha tournament on the schedule tonight. Hopefully I don't fuck up.

Thoughts of Memorial Day Weekend

2006-05-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

I hope none of you are expecting a sappy, let's remember all of our troops and what they have sacrificed for our country post because you aren't getting one. Not that I intend to demean what they have done, but it's just not my style.

This weekend I saw a liscence plate that said EDUK8TOR on it, which I thought was cute. But then I realized why South Carolina ranks around 48th in the nation in education... because our teachers can't fucking spell.

It disturbs me when people re-name their home town or college town with something they think makes it sound more catchy or exciting than it is. A popular term of choice involves the re-appropriation of the term "Vegas" as if that immediately makes your town cool. I've heard Lex-Vegas to describe Lexington, VA which, as far as I can tell, only resembles Las Vegas because of the massive cocaine abuse. The phrase as also been appropriated to both Greenville, North AND South Carolina. Raleigh has become "Raleighwood"; Charlotte = Cha-town. I'm all for catch town nicknames, as long as they fit and aren't some lazy attempt to rip off another city. Call Charlotte the QC, since it has been known as the Queen City ever since it was named after one. Call Atlanta "the A," or ATL, because that's what it is. But please, please, stop adding Vegas after your town name. There is only one Las Vegas, only one place where I can lose hundreds of dollars while gambling, walk the streets at 4 am and get propositioned by a prostitute and a coke dealer all within 5 minutes, not that that actually happened, but I can tell you if it did, it would not have happened in Virginia, North Carolina, or South Carolina. Sorry to break the news to you.

People who think that cats are smarter than dogs are just dumb. I am a foster parent to a kitten-like cat for the summer, and while it has changed my perception on cats as pets, I am and still will forever be a dog person. The main behavioral difference in the two pets is in how they treat their owners. Dogs, as descendants of wolves, come to recognize their owner as the 'alpha male' of the household. They recognize they are dependent on you for their survival. Cats on the other hand, view themselves as your equal. This is why when you discipline a dog it's okay to thump it on the nose with a newspaper, because they respond to being "put in their place" so to speak. Cats however, will just resent you for it. But the reality is, they are just as dependent on you to take care of them. I still carry my cat's poop to the trash can so she doesn't get upset; I feed her twice a day and make sure she has fresh water. While I'm sure she thinks she is a predatory jungle cat, I don't think her ability to hunt a catnip mouse makes her ready for the field of battle. See, cats have a reality deficit. Sasha needs to recognize :).

This Memorial Day weekend saw a lot of sports records broken. Barry "I'm on the juice" Bonds hit #715; Sam Cornish Jr. won the 2nd closest Indy 500 of all time; Rafael Nadal set the longest consecutive win streak on clay courts. On a similiar sporting note, I'm sad to see the Gamecocks baseball team not doing so well. After being ranked #1 at one point in the season, we have since fallen to #23 or so and for the first time since I can remember, are not even hosting one of the regionals for the NCAA tournament.

Poker food for thought

2006-05-26T00:49:00.000-04:00

Since I just made the final table of a pot-limit Omaha tournament on PokerStars, I thought I'd pose a theory question to you junkies out there. By the way, who's the boorish American hold 'em player now? Not this EuroRounder.

Blinds are 1000/2000 and you are in the big blind with Qs-8s-1oh-5h and the short stack on the table goes all in for 7000 chips. You have about 30,000 chips at the time which is above average, but not too much above average and you are near the money bubble? What do you do?

I ended up calling here, and here is why. My hand is mediocre, but I'm getting decent odds to call. After the short stack puts in 7000, the pot size is 10,000. It is now 5,000 to me to call to win 10,000; in other words, I'm getting 2:1 on my money. In order for this to be a mathematically correct play, I only have to be better than a 33% favorite to win the hand. My opponent ended up turning over Ac-Ah-2s-2d, which is actually a fairly strong Omaha hand (almost like hold 'em, bare aces are a favorite over any other hand preflop, though usually not by much. Also, when holding two pair in your hand, you are 4 to 1 to flop a set [three of a kind]). Still, even with that strong of a holding from my opponent I was only a 44_to_56 underdog. Turns out that even up against the strongest hand in Omaha (AAKK double suited, provided it's not sharing my suits) I'm only a 37_to_63 underdog. That my friends, is what we call a +EV move (positive expected value). Ironically, these are mistakes that people make all the time in tournaments. Later in the same tournament, the short stack moved in pre-flop again.... this time the big blind was getting something ridiculous like 5 t0 1 to call AND HE/SHE FOLDED! Not only can I not imagine a hand that is less than 16% to win in Omaha, but they let the short stack double through. Tsk tsk.

Sure, I went on to lose the hand.... but that doesn't matter because it was the right decision.

You too can be a scholar!

2006-05-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

I was a little sleep deprived at work today given some late night antics with my new kitten last night. Combine that with some dry-erase board cleaning agent used in a closed office, and you have the following conversation.

Me: This might be a stupid question, but do oil rigs just float out there in the ocean?

B: Can you please think about the question you just asked me? You know they have to drill for the oil right? They don't just scoop it out of the water.

Me: Well, yeah, I get that. But this article about the Brent Spar keeps referring to it as an oil buoy and ballast tanks. Makes me think about submarines. Maybe the oil platform floats in the water, but is anchored into the ocean floor to make sure it doesn't move away.

B: And you're the one writing the texts for our brochures? How bout you say the word "pylon" and I will give you a prize.

Me: Okay, you're right... I was being a bit dumb, remember the sleep thing? Anyway, maybe I need to revolutionize offshore oil drilling. Maybe they should float there. That way when the oil source runs out, they can, you know, pull up the drill and float to the next one.

T: *nearly laughing hysterically* This isn't like a goddamn river logjam... you can't float on over to a new oil spot.

Me: Fine, we'll motorize the platforms! It will be like a giant boat and can just drive on over. Wait, well, they can't be gas-powered engines because that would violate the number one law of selling drugs... you know, don't get high off your own supply.

*everyone stares blankly*

Me: You know, because they are drilling for oil but would be using gas to power the engines....

B: Wow, that was a tangent.

Me: Ehhh, maybe more like a two-step analogy.

B: Sure, if that's what you want to call it. Why don't you just have guys on the top of the oil rig lasso whales as they swim by. Then the whales can take you to the new oil.

Me: Now we're talking!

Toilet Monster Captured!

2006-05-22T11:53:00.000-04:00

I'm quite certain if this were a character on Sesame Street when I was growing up I would have been terrified. While I do actually (despite rumors to the contrary) find nanotechnology interesting, I'm sure most people are not too enthralled by our activities here at the NanoCenter. We have, however, been terrorized by a creature I have affectionately nicknamed the Toilet Monster (or the Artist Formerly Known as the Shit-Hurling Ape) for the past year. This guy (well, presumably a guy because the events occur in the men's restroom) comes in and uses our bathrooms for the feared "#2." But, he apparently has a tremendous fear of coming in contact with anything bathroom related. When he is done, there are paper towels thrown all about the entire restroom including handfuls of paper towels flushed down the toilet. Needless to say, the plumbing does not tolerate this kind of behavior. Consequently, the men's bathrooms are closed nearly twice a week as someone has to come in and unclog our toilets.

Well, this bastard was finally caught brown-handed over the weekend. Apparently, this guy named 'Earl' is a mentally handicapped employee who works next door. He has an irrational fear of bathrooms and is embarassed to use them at his place of work so has decided ot come next door to visit ours. Hopefully we won't see him for some time now, although I imagine it is very hard to wipe delicately while wearing a straight jacket.

A Short Poker Story

2006-05-19T12:15:00.000-04:00

This post was originally going to be a *side note* to another post of mine, but then I got way too engrossed in poker and decided it deserved its own space.

One of my best friends played in a Pot-Limit Omaha (PLO) poker tournament in Reno the other night. For those not familiar with the game, each player receives four down (unexposed) cards and then plays them in conjunction with a 5 card community board (everyone can play those five cards). You must play two cards from your hand, however, the sheer number of down cards makes a lot of good hands possible which makes it difficult for anyone to be a prohibitive favorite before the flop (the first three community cards exposed). One of our running jokes is that even if you get all your money in with As-Ac-Ks-Kc (considered the top hand, because you have the two highest pocket pairs, and two draws at the nut flush/straights) against 2c-3h-7d-8s (a pretty godawful Omaha hand) you're still probably only a 55 to 45 favorite. Well, last night my friend got all of his money in with As-Ac-Qs-Jc which is still fairly solid against another random hand... 7-8-9-10. Turns out he was only a 58_to_42_favorite , but of course lost anyway. That's Omaha for you.

If you want a really entertaining read on PLO, I suggest the script of EuroRounders found here. Also required is repeated viewings of Rounders to get the subtle jokes. For those of you too lazy to go to a hyperlinked site, I will post my favorite excerpts below.

Michel: “I raise.”
Teddy CIA: “It’s a position raise. I call.”
- The flop comes 5-7-A, with two diamonds -
Michel: “I bet the pot.”
Teddy CIA: “I raise the pot.”
Michel: “I reraise the pot.”
Teddy CIA: “I reraise the pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel (voiceover): “I sit back and think. I have three aces - the best possible hand. I want him to think I’m debating a call, but really I’m just thinking about Monte Carlo, and whatever the[censored] is in Monte Carlo.”
Michel: *shrugs* “Okay, well, I re-pot it, I’m all in, because I don’t think you have a pair.” *winks at thecamera*
Teddy CIA: “Who are you winking at? It doesn’t matter, I call.”
Michel (voiceover): “I know before he even says it.”
Teddy CIA: “I have 8-6-4-3 with two diamonds, for a wrap straight draw and a flush draw, which is a favorite over your top set.”

Michel: “Look…Croissant, I never told you this, but about a year ago, I was playing poker at the Casino des Atlantes, and Marcel Luske walks in. He sits downat the 50/100 pot limit game. And, I mean, the whole place stops, right? Just watching this guy play. After a while there isn’t a retarded European gambling game going, because everybody’s just, you know, watching this guy.”
- Joey Croissant nods -
Michel: “So you know what I did? I sat down.”
Joey Croissant: “No way, you need at least 300,000euros to sit down at a game like that. Such bad financial management is typical of a boorishAmerican!”
- Joey Croissant and Michel laugh for twenty-sixminutes -
Michel: “Right, okay, but seriously, I played for an hour, doing nothing but folding. Then I won a huge pot.”
Joey Croissant: “Aces? Kings? Ace-King double suited?Suited aces? High connectors? Middle double suited connectors? Two big pair?”
Michel: “Rags.”
Joey Croissant: “That’s probably fine too, you’re only like a 48/52 dog.”
Michel: “I raised. And he came over the top of me, like I was a boorish American. I re-popped it. He potted it again. I think for like two seconds and then I re-pot it.”
Joey Croissant: “Jesus [censored] Christ, how much money did you have?”
Michel: “After I bet I would quietly slide my chips back toward my stack, nobody noticed. Anyway, he thinks for a while, looks at me, checks his cards again, and he mucks. I take it down. And then he looks at me and says, ‘I have to know. Did you have it?’ And I said, ‘I’m sorry Marcel, I can’t remember.’”
Joey Croissant: “Face!”
Michel: “I know, totally. Anyway, based on that one hand, I felt confident gambling for all the money I had, at one time.”

Teddy CIA: “We play, heads up, Pot Limit Omaha, 25 and50 blinds, until one of us has it all?”
Michel: “Out of sheer curiosity, you realize you’re giving up like boat loads of equity by agreeing to gamble for money that’s effectively yours anyway, right? That you could just not let me play, and then kill me and take what I have?”
Teddy CIA: “I know, but I am a boorish American!”
- Michel and Teddy CIA laugh for seventy-two minutes -

- The flop reads 10-9-5, with two spades -
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot. I’m all in.”
Teddy CIA: “Alright, I call. What do you have?”
Michel: “Jack high flush draw and middle set.”
Teddy CIA: “Wrap, with a king high flush draw.”
Michel: “Boy, I sure hope my 5:4 edge holds up,otherwise I am going to die.”

Okay, so I was planning on just putting in excerpts but the whole thing is so damn funny you probably just read about three-quarters of the script. So sue me.

A Meta-Blog

2006-05-19T11:47:00.000-04:00

I have recently received several recommendations to avoid making my blog some sentimental "emo" read. By several, I mean one, but I thought I could make my blog sound more well-read if I phrased it otherwise. Almost tricked you, didn't it?

Regardless, this got me to thinking about what I wanted the context of my blog to be. While I consider myself to be somewhat of an intellectual, I rarely come across such earth-shattering ideas that I feel the need to either a/ dedicate an entire blog to them or b/ waste everyone else's time in reading them. Occasionally I may post insights into my latest project or paper, but mainly as a way for me to voice my initial thoughts in the roughest of draft forms. Feel free to either ignore or criticize those posts, especially if it is constructive.

With that being said, I am very pleased with the formatting and template of the blog; it kind gives it a professional appearance and feel, which makes me feel like what I'm saying is important, even when that is not the case, which will probably happen quite often. So, who knows what the blog will include. For now, it may be overwhelmed with comments about nanotechnology as I am finishing up what I guess can be called a 3 year career in that industry. Other times there may be rants about the population of Columbia, poor poker play, or my roommates. Then again, this blog is really designed for the start of law school at NYU, so if you don't like my blog now, check back at the end of August. Maybe it will pick up then.

Random Musings of a Morning Commute

2006-05-18T09:10:00.000-04:00

My commute to work is not long by any means, 2.4_miles_to_be_exact. Nor is Columbia a big city. Even as the state's capital, the within city limits population is probably no more than 200,000, 600,000 at best when you include the "bustling metropolis" areas of Irmo, West Columbia, Cayce and the like. But, I do come in on one of the "major" streets of Columbia (meaning it is paved, with lanes, and traffic signals, and the like). And, despite its size, Columbia seems to be a shipping mecca of the Southeast as I cross FOUR railroad tracks on my 2.4 mile commute. My exploits with the trains have been more frustrating_than_funny. Combine this with a high percentage of idiotic, drunk, or just plain redneck drivers and you never know what might happen. With that in mind....

Today, I was driving behind a Plymouth/Dodge Neon with decals on it denoting its 2.0 Magnum engine. I suppose that is designed to intimidate. After all, the .45 Magnum pistol was called so because of its increased muzzle velocity and nasty kick. But for some reason, driving a Neon does not conjure up images of Dirty Harry firing off a few rounds with a gigantic pistol. Rather, I think of an asthmatic kid trying to work a blowgun... but I digress. I suppose the 2.0L engine is a step-up from a 1.6L engine, or that hamster in a wheel, whichever powered the entry-level Neon. But, to top it all off, this driver had put a sticker on the rear window which read "Yes it's fast, and no you can't drive it." I'm sorry to break the news in a public forum like this, but Neon, you sir, are no Ferrari. I can't think of any one of my close personal friends that has dreams of piloting this purebred steed. Most of them would probably be pissed to find out it's their rental car.

The second event of note is even more impressive, especially since this is the second time I have seen this happen in Columbia. One of the traffic lights had malfunctioned at a large intersection and reverted into what I assume is its safety mode. The direction that houses the major flow of traffic in the mornings was given the "flashing yellow," which I assume to mean "slow down and proceed with caution." The other direction was given the "flashing red," which to me means "come to a stop at the intersection and drive through when safe." Apparently I am from the old school of driving on this point. Here in Columbia the "flashing red" means "if you can drive quickly through while the red light is not on, your driving is A-OK." Seriously. Within the last two months I have seen this happen twice, people driving directly through on a flashing red without slowing down or stopping at all. Keep in mind this isn't just one person either, entire waves of people are coming through unabated. Maybe we should all give this new driving trend some time. It could serve to weed out some of the "best and brightest" of Columbia. There is nothing quite like seeing Social_Darwinism in action.

By the way, if I am wrong about what those traffic signals mean, feel free to contact me. I would really like to know.

Racing to Beat the Stroke of Midnight

2006-05-17T23:51:00.000-04:00

On an entirely different note, today is my fake birthday. What I mean by that, is when I was growing up my neighborhood directory had listed my birthdate as May 17th, as opposed to the 7th. For years I would get calls from neighbors wishing me a "Happy Birthday" 10 days too late. In a way, May 17th is kind of like celebrating your fake ID's birthday, which, now that I have reminded myself, is coming up on October 12th.

Summer Work

2006-05-17T23:24:00.000-04:00

Outside of consultant, my technical job title for ICON this summer is that of a web miner. If there was a form of digital black lung, I feel like I'd have it by now [insert cough originating from my eyeballs]. I am also in charge of debunking a lot of the wild claims made by non-governmental organizations lambasting the regulatory landscape of the nanotechnology industry, or lack thereof. Unfortunately, those white papers might as well be authored by Puff Daddy; they are all remixes of a previous version.

The latest paper is a petition by the International Council on Technology Assessment to the FDA calling for a revamped approach to regulating nanoparticles, including a moratorium on sunscreen products. Most of the petitioners are the same old faces in the nanotech world, most notably Greenpeace and the ETC Group. Moratoriums are hardly new news from these people, as seen here.

Some groups need to realize that the industrial ball is already rolling and the bureaucratic inertia is too much to stop it. Government is not going to allow a moratorium on an industry they've invested billions in, including a planned 1.2 billion in 2007. Anyway, the FDA has 6 months before they have to respond to the petition. If I were a gambling man, my money would be on a rejection, with outright laughing paying 3 to 1.